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Working With Idiots Can Kill You

STOCKHOLM -- Idiots in the office are just as hazardous to your health as cigarettes, caffeine or greasy food, an eye-opening new study reveals. In fact, those dopes can kill you!

Stress is one of the top causes of heart attacks -- and working with stupid people on a daily basis is one of the deadliest forms of stress, according to researchers at Sweden's Lindbergh University Medical Center.

The author of the study, Dr. Dagmar Andersson, says her team studied 500 heart attack patients, and were puzzled to find 62 percent had relatively few of the physical risk factors commonly blamed for heart attacks.

"Then we questioned them about lifestyle habits, and almost all of these low-risk patients told us they worked with people so stupid they can barely find their way from the parking lot to their office. And their heart attack came less than 12 hours after having a major confrontation with one of these oafs.

"One woman had to be rushed to the hospital after her assistant shredded important company tax documents instead of copying them. A man told us he collapsed right at his desk because the woman at the next cubicle kept asking him for correction fluid -- for her computer monitor.

"You can cut back on smoking or improve your diet," Dr. Andersson says, "but most people have very poor coping skills when it comes to stupidity -- they feel there's nothing they can do about it, so they just internalize their frustration until they finally explode."

Stupid co-workers can also double or triple someone's work load, she explains. "Many of our subjects feel sorry for the drooling idiots they work with, so they try to cover for them by fixing their mistakes. One poor woman spent a week rebuilding client records because a clerk put them all in the 'recycle bin' of her computer and then emptied it -- she thought it meant the records would be recycled and used again."

HOW TO SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL

You can have power, wealth, an attractive mate and virtually anything else you ever dreamed of – by selling your soul to Satan! But how?

You must know what you’re doing when you make the deal or Satan will cheat you blind. That’s the word from Dr. Rex Touth, expert on satanic rituals and author of How to Negotiate Unholy Contracts.

Dr. Touth cites cases dating all the way back to the 16th century in which humans have agreed to spend eternity in Hell when they die in exchange for earthly pleasures while they’re alive.

“Human history and world literature are teeming with stories like that of Germany’s Dr. Faustus who sold his soul,” says Dr. Touth. “Our own American statesman Daniel Webster once debated Satan in a landmark soul-selling case in which he renegotiated the contract and had it overturned.

“Thousands have gained riches and fulfilled their fantasies.”

Here are some tips from Dr. Touth on how you can take advantage of the same opportunity:

SET THE DEAL UP PROPERLY. There’s a right and wrong way to make contact with the Devil. The right way is to be alone in your room, close your eyes and say, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” It may take dozens, even hundreds of tries but at all costs, avoid sounding desperate or needy. He’ll show up eventually.

DEAL FROM A POSITION OF POWER. By far the biggest mistake people make is to underestimate how badly Satan wants their soul. It’s like precious gold to him and he’ll pay anything to get it. When he appears, get him to make the first offer, then up it.

GET THE ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember, you’re going to burn in Hell forever. So no matter how badly off you are now, demand the best. For instance, even if you feel unlovable and desperate with loneliness, don’t just say, “I want the most gorgeous woman on earth and I want her to be madly in love with me.” Instead, add, “In fact, throw in 100 other women as well so I can pick and choose according to my mood.”

REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee of 300 years of youthful life before you go to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 75 or 80 years of reckless living when you can get 300?

Religious groups worldwide are trying to ban Dr. Touth’s book. “This kind of trash is spiritual dynamite,” says a spokesman for the North American Council of Churches and Synogogues. “We can’t, in good conscience, let people read how to destroy their almighty souls.”

But Dr. Touth says we should all be aware of the facts so we can make an informed decision. “It’s your soul,” he says. “Do what you want with it.”

What would you sell your soul for?

Power ?

Money ?

Love ?

Revenge ?

I would never sell my soul...

Cheating

1.

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied, "Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."

2.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

3.
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

4.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Idea for FB Status

1.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

2.

Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

3.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

4.

Do you ever just look at someone and “why” is the only thing you can come up with?

5.

I chose the road less traveled. Now…where the heck am I?

6.

I turn down my radio to park my car.

7.

I’d mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting.

8.

I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.

9.

There are only two levels in lion taming – “expert” and “cat food”.

10.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

11.

I like to sugarcoat my words because I know I’m gonna to end up eating them.

12.

Say no, then negotiate.

13.

Opinions are indeed like butts, some are just bigger than others.

14.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

15.

I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.

Q & A

Questions

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sidney dead on the floor. Who is Slidney? How did Sidney die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

************************************************

Answers

1. The word "incorrectly."

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Sidney is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sidney.}

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

Idiots

1.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

2.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

3.

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

4.

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

5.

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room.

When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

6.

Tech Support : "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Individual : "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

7.

Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Individual: How do you spell that?

8.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Interesting Reading

1.

Q : If you could live forever, would you and why?

A : "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-- Mariah Carey

3.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

4.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

5.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

6.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

7.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

8.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

9.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

10.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

11.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

-- A congressional candidate in Texas

12.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

-- John Wayne

13.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

14.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

15.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

16.

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."

-- former governor of California, Gerry Brown

17.

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

-- George Bush, US President

18.

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."

-- George Bush, US President

19.

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."

-- Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

20.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

-- Lee Iacocca

21.

"Please provide the date of your death."

-- from an IRS letter

22.

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."

-- Richard Nixon, US President

23.

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

24.

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."

-- Parish Magazine

25.

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."

-- Bill Peterson, football coach

26.

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."

-- Dan Quayle, US VP

27.

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."

-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

28.

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."

-- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

29.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

30.

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

-- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

31.

"I've read about foreign policy and studied - I know the number of continents."

-- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

32.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

-- Dan Quayle

What Is Marketing ?

If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying 

"Circus Coming to Puchong Saturday," 

that's advertising. 

If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk him into town, 

that's promotion. 

If the elephant walks through the Mayor's flower bed,

that's publicity. 

If you can get the Mayor to laugh about it, 

 that's public relations. 

And if you planned the elephant's walk, 

that's marketing.

Quotes For Today

1.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

2.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

3.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

4.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

5.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

6.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

7.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

8.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

9.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

10.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

11.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

12.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

13.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

14.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

15.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

16.

Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

17.

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

18.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

19.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20.

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? Think about it...

21.

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

22.

A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad.

Great Quotes

1.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

-- Red Buttons

2.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

-- Steve Bluestone

3.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

-- George Carlin

4.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

-- Carol Leifer

5.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

-- Dave Edison

6.

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

-- Jack Mayberry

7.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

-- Elayne Boosler

8.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

-- John Mendoza

9.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

-- Jeff Stilson

10.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

-- Jerry Seinfeld

11.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

-- Lily Tomlin