Playboy Jokes

1.
As a group of people boarded a packed hotel elevator, a man was pushed to the ear corner. Unable to reach the panel of buttons, he called out, “Ballroom, please.”
“I’m sorry,” the woman in front of him said. “I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

2.
Three men were sitting around discussing women, and one said to the others, “I enjoy looking at a woman’s tits the most.”
“Personally I’d rather look at a woman’s ass,” the second man replied. “How about you?” he asked, turning to the third man.
“Me?” the man said. “I prefer to see the top of a woman’s head.”

3.
A surly man walked into a bar, ordered a beer,chugged it, gestured to the right side of the room and bellowed,
“All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!”
The entire bar fell silent. After a moment the man said, “Anyone here got a problem with what I said?”
Everyone remained quiet, so the man ordered another beer, took a swig, gestured to his left and added, “And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!”
Once again the bar fell silent. The man looked around and roared, “Anyone got a problem with that?”
A lone man got up from his stool unsteadily and started to walk toward the man.
The belligerent man looked him in the eye and said, “You got a problem, buddy?”
“Oh no,” the man replied. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

4.
A huge man was getting married to a very petite woman, and at their wedding one of the man’s friends asked him how the two managed to have sex, given the extreme difference in their sizes.
“Well,” the large man replied, “I sit on a chair and she sits facing me on my lap, and then I just bob her up and down.”
“You know, that doesn’t sound too bad,” the friend said.
“It’s great,” the man replied. “It’s kind of like jerking off, only I have somebody to talk to.”

5.
The perfect husband is a man who regularly makes his wife’s panties wet. He does the laundry every week. Around dusk a patrolman started making his
evening rounds and discovered two elderly ladies sitting in a vehicle in the lot of a used-car dealership. He stopped and asked what they were doing.
“You ladies aren’t trying to steal this car, are you?” the officer asked.
“Heavens no,” one of the women answered.
“We bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it home?” the officer said.
“Neither one of us can drive,” the other woman replied.
“Then why on earth did you buy a car?” the officer asked.
“Well,” the first woman replied, “we were told we would get screwed if we bought a used car, so now we’re just waiting.”



6.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: There is an engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering.

7.
One morning a man opened his newspaper and was stunned to see his own death notice in the obituary column. Horrified, he immediately called his best friend.
“Have you seen today’s paper?” he asked his friend. “It says I died!”
“Yes, I saw it,” his friend replied. “So where are you calling from?”

8.
A recent study of men’s sleeping habits found that three percent of men wake up in the middle of the night to urinate, two percent get up to raid the fridge and 50 percent get up to go home.