(1)
To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!!


(2)
A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in monthly installment.'


(3)
Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'


(4)
The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know
what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'


(5)
4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.


(6)
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.


(7)
Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!


(8)
A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'


(9)
At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.


(10)
What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time.
Not 1 inch 7 times.'


(11)
The vagina is the world's best rehabilatation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.


(12)
A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattoed on his dick.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'


(13)
Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

Arab student sends an e-mail

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

---------------------------------------------------
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Military Time

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Jeles

Seorang isteri ingin menghubungi suaminya, tetapi telefonnya tidak berkredit lalu menyuruh anak lelakinya menyampaikan mesej penting kepada si suami yang sedang bekerja di site.

Selepes si anak membuat panggilan, si anak memberitahu ibunya seorang perempuan lain yang menjawab pesanan telefon. Walaupun sudah berkali-kali si anak menelefon, tetap perempuan itu juga yang menjawab.

Si isteri pun dengan marahnya menunggu kepulangan suami dari kerja di depan pintu rumah. Sesampainya suami, si isteri membelasah habis-habisan si suami kerana perlakuan curangnya.

Habis berkumpul jiran tetangga di depan rumah untuk melihat drama petang itu. Si isteri menyuruh anaknya memberitahu semua orang apa yang dikatakan oleh perempuan di talian tadi.

Si anak pun cakap "Harap maaf, nombor yang anda dail berada di luar kawasan liputan. Sila cuba sebentar lagi".

Temuduga

Seorang CEO ingin mencari eksekutif baru dalam syarikatnya. Dari beribu permohonan, hanya empat yang betul-betul menarik perhatiannya.

Bagaimanapun beliau tidak dapat memilih antara keempat-empat orang calon tersebut, lantas memanggil kesemuanya untuk ditemuduga (beliau tidak sekaya Donald Trump untuk menganjurkan temuduga seperti The Apprentice).

Setelah keempat-empat calon berada di hadapan beliau, CEO tadi pun mula berkata " Saya ada satu soalan yang mungkin memberi jawapan berbeza, calon yang memberikan jawapan terbaik akan diterima untuk bekerja di sini".

"Soalannya adalah apakah perkara atau benda yang paling pantas sekali?" tanya CEO tersebut.

Calon pertama berkata " FIKIRAN , kerana kadang ianya datang sendiri tanpa kita sedari "

"Bagus, satu jawapan yang baik " kata CEO tadi.

"Kamu pula ? " tanya nya kepada calon kedua.

"KELIP MATA, kerana tanpa kita sedari, sebelum sempat kita buat apa pun, mata kita dah berkelip " jawab calon kedua.

"Satu jawapan yang sangat baik , lagipun perumpamaan melayu pun ada sebut SEKELIP MATA melambangkan kepantasan " kata CEO itu.

"Bagaimana kamu pula? " tanya CEO kepada calon ketiga.

"Kalau kita tengok, lampu KLCC dihidupkan dengan pantas walaupun bangunan tu tinggi. Jadi saya rasa MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU adalah paling pantas" jawab calon ketiga.

"Jawapan yang terhebat setakat ni. Bagaimana pula dengan kamu ? "CEO terus mengusulkan soalan kepada calon keempat dengan merasakan calon ketiga hampir pasti menjadi eksekutif baru di syarikatnya dengan jawapan yang sangat bagus sebentar tadi.

" Setelah diteliti jawapan calon-calon sebelum saya ni tadi, saya rasa perkara yang paling pantas sekali adalah CIRIT-BIRIT " jawab calon keempat dengan yakin sekali.

" Haaa...???? CIRIT-BIRIT ???? Kamu ni tak serius langsung, macamana kamu boleh mintak kerja dengan syarikat saya ni ? " CEO terkejut dengan jawapan calon keempat tadi.

"Begini tuan, malam kelmarin saya terjaga di tengah malam dengan rasa sakit perut yang amat sangat. Belum sempat saya FIKIR , KELIP MATA atau MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU, benda tu dah terkeluar dah......."

Calon keempat diterima menjadi eksekutif baru syarikat berkenaan...

Tan Ah Beng

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"

Salesgirl : "Yes !"

Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

--------? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question. After much thought, he writes " Yes "

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss: "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do ?"

Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his
picture is being taken.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?

Because he can'! t find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command.

After some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key ! for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But ..... what happened to the other ear ?"

Ah Beng answered :

"That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

-------?! ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND
LAS VEGAS ?"

Operator ! : "JUST A MINUTE..."

Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S
TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL."

Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,
JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" Ah Beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, ! MARRIED lah"