Working With Idiots Can Kill You

STOCKHOLM -- Idiots in the office are just as hazardous to your health as cigarettes, caffeine or greasy food, an eye-opening new study reveals. In fact, those dopes can kill you!

Stress is one of the top causes of heart attacks -- and working with stupid people on a daily basis is one of the deadliest forms of stress, according to researchers at Sweden's Lindbergh University Medical Center.

The author of the study, Dr. Dagmar Andersson, says her team studied 500 heart attack patients, and were puzzled to find 62 percent had relatively few of the physical risk factors commonly blamed for heart attacks.

"Then we questioned them about lifestyle habits, and almost all of these low-risk patients told us they worked with people so stupid they can barely find their way from the parking lot to their office. And their heart attack came less than 12 hours after having a major confrontation with one of these oafs.

"One woman had to be rushed to the hospital after her assistant shredded important company tax documents instead of copying them. A man told us he collapsed right at his desk because the woman at the next cubicle kept asking him for correction fluid -- for her computer monitor.

"You can cut back on smoking or improve your diet," Dr. Andersson says, "but most people have very poor coping skills when it comes to stupidity -- they feel there's nothing they can do about it, so they just internalize their frustration until they finally explode."

Stupid co-workers can also double or triple someone's work load, she explains. "Many of our subjects feel sorry for the drooling idiots they work with, so they try to cover for them by fixing their mistakes. One poor woman spent a week rebuilding client records because a clerk put them all in the 'recycle bin' of her computer and then emptied it -- she thought it meant the records would be recycled and used again."

HOW TO SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL

You can have power, wealth, an attractive mate and virtually anything else you ever dreamed of – by selling your soul to Satan! But how?

You must know what you’re doing when you make the deal or Satan will cheat you blind. That’s the word from Dr. Rex Touth, expert on satanic rituals and author of How to Negotiate Unholy Contracts.

Dr. Touth cites cases dating all the way back to the 16th century in which humans have agreed to spend eternity in Hell when they die in exchange for earthly pleasures while they’re alive.

“Human history and world literature are teeming with stories like that of Germany’s Dr. Faustus who sold his soul,” says Dr. Touth. “Our own American statesman Daniel Webster once debated Satan in a landmark soul-selling case in which he renegotiated the contract and had it overturned.

“Thousands have gained riches and fulfilled their fantasies.”

Here are some tips from Dr. Touth on how you can take advantage of the same opportunity:

SET THE DEAL UP PROPERLY. There’s a right and wrong way to make contact with the Devil. The right way is to be alone in your room, close your eyes and say, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” It may take dozens, even hundreds of tries but at all costs, avoid sounding desperate or needy. He’ll show up eventually.

DEAL FROM A POSITION OF POWER. By far the biggest mistake people make is to underestimate how badly Satan wants their soul. It’s like precious gold to him and he’ll pay anything to get it. When he appears, get him to make the first offer, then up it.

GET THE ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember, you’re going to burn in Hell forever. So no matter how badly off you are now, demand the best. For instance, even if you feel unlovable and desperate with loneliness, don’t just say, “I want the most gorgeous woman on earth and I want her to be madly in love with me.” Instead, add, “In fact, throw in 100 other women as well so I can pick and choose according to my mood.”

REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee of 300 years of youthful life before you go to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 75 or 80 years of reckless living when you can get 300?

Religious groups worldwide are trying to ban Dr. Touth’s book. “This kind of trash is spiritual dynamite,” says a spokesman for the North American Council of Churches and Synogogues. “We can’t, in good conscience, let people read how to destroy their almighty souls.”

But Dr. Touth says we should all be aware of the facts so we can make an informed decision. “It’s your soul,” he says. “Do what you want with it.”

What would you sell your soul for?

Power ?

Money ?

Love ?

Revenge ?

I would never sell my soul...