Getting Married

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love,dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him,

''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son...

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

'I would have been released today.'

Who Chopped that Cherry Tree?

Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped down a cherry tree in his youth. His father saw the damaged tree and asked his son if he knew who did it. George was quoted bravely admitting the truth:
'I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I cut it with my axe.'

Below is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the same question:

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi - 'I did not chop down that cherry tree; I was just taking a nap under it.'
Najib Razak - 'I swear that I have never MET that tree.'
Hishamuddin Hussein Onn- '...but I only own a keris ,not an axe; so how to chop down that cherry tree?'
Dr Mahathir Mohamd - 'Apa nama cherry tree, yes, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak Lah sleeping under it.'

VK Lingam - 'It could be me, it may be me but I don't think it's me.'
Anwar Ibrahim - 'I did NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA sample for you to plant on the axe handle.'
Mohd Khir Toyo - 'The new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.'

Ahmad Said (Terengganu MB) - 'I chopped it down because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.'
Azalina Othman - 'Cherry tree is not included in my tourism MOU so I chopped it down. Besides, there are so many unauthorised signboards being put up by Ah Long around that damn tree.'
Shabery Cheek - 'Not me. I challenge you to an open debate on tree cutting.'

S Samy Velu - 'I chopped it down because Hindraf members were using it as a meeting point.
Wira Ali Rustam - 'We have planted durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years. We do not need cheery trees, apple trees , pear trees and all these other foreign trees.'
Rais Yatim - 'You must see the bigger picture, Ahmad Said said cherry trees are expensive to maintain; Ali Rustam said that's against our national identity and, I needed to test my new axe; so you see, it is a WIN-WIN situation all around.'
Sharir Samad - 'I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidise it.'

Karpal Singh - 'The bigfoot creature did it.'
Bung Mokhtar - 'The big monkey did it.'
Pandikar Amin Mulia (Speaker) - 'There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry trees. Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.

Khairy Jamaluddin - 'I did not do it, neither did the Mat Rempits. By the way, what's a cherry tree?'
Lim Kit Siang - 'Cherry tree also you don't know; you are an insult to Oxford!'

Nazri Abdul Aziz - 'Racist, racist, racist! When we cut down durian trees nobody made a fuss. Now...'

Malaysian Citizens - 'Oh for heaven's sake! Somebody please plant something before we all starve to death!'

Petua Mujarab

1. Petua Cepat DiPinang - Banyakkan Meminum Air Pinang
2. Menegangkan Kulit Muka - Stapler Tempat Yg Kendur Tu...
3. Menghilangkan Bau Badan - Berendam Dalam Minyak Wangi
4. Melembutkan Rambut - Rendam Kepala Dalam Air Menggelegak. ..
5. Melebatkan Rambut - Cari Baja Rambut...
6. Menghilangkan Ketuat - Potong Dgn Pisau Cukur Cap Buaya... .
7. Mengempiskan Perut - Jgn Makan & Jgn Minum...
8. Mengekalkan Kecantikan - Kekalkan Mekap, Jgn Basuh2...
9. Menyegarkan Mata - Tuang Eye Mo. ..
10. Mengelak Rambut Gugur - Lumur Dengan Gam Gajah...
11. Mengatasi Tumit Pecah - Jalan Berjengket-Jengket
13. Menghaluskan Kulit Muka - Gosok Dgn Kertas Pasir
14. Menaikkan Seri Muka - Makan Kuih Seri Muka Sambil Naik Tangga..
15. Menghilangkan Bau Mulut - Minum Minyak Wangi
16. Menghilangkan Lebam Di Mata - Elakkan Dari Kena Penumbok..

I 'd Rather Die of Thirst !

Reasons why I never visit my rich friend! Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : What would you like to have...? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?
Answer : Tea please
Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer : Ceylon tea
Question : How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer : white
Question : Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer : With milk
Question : Goat's milk, or cow's milk
Answer : With cow's milk please.
Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer : Um, I'll just take it black.
Question : Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer : With sugar
Question : Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer : Cane sugar
Question : White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer : Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.
Question : Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer : Mineral water
Question : Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer : I think I'll just die of thirst

Cerita Ceriti

GAJAH DALAM CAWAN

Satu hari, seorang lelaki sedang asyik minum di sebuah restoran mamak di jalan UK Perdana Ampang. Tiba2 lelaki tu terkejut lalu memanggil mamak. Mamak dengan pantas tiba di meja lelaki.
"Hei... mamak mengapa dalam kopi aku ni ada lalat?"
Mamak terkebil-kebil lalu menjawab..
"Awak bayar harga secawan kopi satu ringgit lima puluh sen saja, takkan awak mahu gajah pulak dalam cawan awak!".
Lelaki tu garu kepala... serba salah..


SEKRETARI BARU

Seorang boss sangat frust dan marah pada sekretari barunya kerana sekretarinya itu mengabaikan bunyi telefon.
"Kamu harus menjawab telepon itu," kata si boss dengan marahnya.
"Baiklah," jawab si sekretari, "tapi itu pekerjaan yang sia-sia, 9 dari 10 telepon yang masuk bukan untuk saya, tetapi untuk boss."


PROFESSOR SIBUK

Profesor Bakri adalah seorang profesor yang terkenal dengan kepintarannya. Dia terlalu tekun dengan ujikaji yang dilakukannya sehinggakan terlupa untuk makan minum malah sudah dua hari tidak pulang ke rumah. Lalu isterinya menelefon.
"Abang, ingat ya, malam ini abang mesti pulang ke rumah untuk makan malam. Jaga kesihatan," pesan isterinya.
"Ya, baik. Abang janji. Agaknya di mana kita hendak makan malam nanti?" tanya professor itu.
"Di rumah sajalah bang..".
"Baik lah.. tapi dimana tu? Saya catat alamatnya dulu... "


PINGGAN DARI KELANTAN

Ada sorang kawan ni, namanya Amat. Dia baru kenal sorang member kat tempat kerja baru. Nama kawannya Apit. Si Apit ajak Amat makan kat rumah dia sebab Apit kata dia pandai masak. Di pendekkan cerita, dah siap masak, Apit pun pelawa Amat makan. Amat ni sebenarnya dah terlampau lapar tapi saja taknak bagi Apit tau. Masa makan tu si Amat ni nak mintak tambah nasi lagi tapi macam malu pulak. Iyalah sebelum tu pun dia dah mintak tambah 2 kali. So dia pun cakap kat Apit ni :
Amat : Apit, cantiklah pinggan ni.. mana ko beli ye?
(sambil menunjukkan pinggannya yangg dah kosong)
Apit : oooo..(tanda paham)..tu mak aku belikan kat kelantan sama dengan periuk ni...
(sambil menunjukkan periuk yg kosong gak sbb nasik dh abih..)
Amat : oooo...

Cerita Ceriti

Satu Kaki

Minah berkahwin dengan Mamat yang kudung sebelah kaki akibat kemalangan jalanraya. Tapi Minah tak tahu yang Mamat ni kudung sebab kaki palsunya nampak real. Ni adalah insiden di malam pertama perkahwinan mereka apabila si Mamat mula nak close-up si Minah tiba-tiba si Minah menjerit sekuat hati,"Maaak! satuuuu kaki!".

Sekonyong-konyong mak dia kat bilik sebelah jawab dengan selambanya, "Untungle ko Minah, BAPAK ko 6 inci jer"...


Salah Kira

Sani murid tahun 2 yang agak lembab dan suka menyediri. Cikgu yang palig dia takut ialah Cikgu Kumar, guru maths sekolahnya. Dengar suara Sir Kumar menengking rasa nak terkencing. Suatu hari Sir Kumar memulakan kelas dengan menguji kecekapan mencongak. Semua murid berdiri dan kalau tak dapat jawab, berdiri atas kerusi. Semua murid mesti jawab spontan.. tak boleh kira.

Bila tiba giliran Sani, Sir Kumar menengking, "5 + 5 berapa ? Cepat!!!!!"

Sani cuba mengira secara sorok. Dia masukkan kedua-dua tangannya dalam kocek seluar. Bergerak-gerak seluarnya kerana menghitung, rasa nak terkencing pun ada sebab takut.
Sir Kumar senyum melihat telatah Sani. "Cepat Sani.. 5 + 5 berapa ?"

"11 cikgu... !!"
Sir Kumar tersengih sambil keluar kelas.


B4 & After Marriage

Before marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the tOP...


Bayaran Ansuran

Ada sepasang kekasih, BoyFriend & GirlFriend, sayang menyayangi sesama mereka.

Satu hari si GF ni eksiden lalu dihantar ke hospital. GF ni kehilangan banyak darah. Disebabkan terlalu mencintai dan takut kehilangan orang yang disayangi, si BF sanggup menderma darah kepada GF dan GF ni pun dapat diselamatkan.

Pada suatu hari, si BF ni keluar beli barang kat shopping kompleks, sorang2 tanpa GFnya.

Ketika sedang melihat2 barang, si BF ternampak GFnya sedang berjalan berpimpin tangan dengan lelaki lain. Wahh ! Apa lagi dengan bengang si BF ni terus mengherdik GF dia :

"DASAR TAK KENANG BUDI !! MASA KAU SUSAH AKU TOLONG KAU, MASA KAU EKSIDEN DULU AKU BAGI DARAH AKU KAT KAU DEMI NAK SELAMATKAN KAU ! BEGINI KAU LAYAN AKU!!"

Lepas tu, si GF ni pun naik bengang sebab tiba-tiba kena herdik di tempat awam. Dengan selamba dia kata :

"KAU BERKIRA DENGAN AKU EK! NAH ! AKU BAYAR ANSURAN TIAP2 BULAN !!" Sambil membuang pad (yang dah ade jem tau !) kearah EX-BFnya tu !!


Isteri Kerek

Pada suatu hari, hendak terjadi hal, si suami terlupa akan birthday isterinya. Si isteri terkilan dan esoknya isteri tak gosok baju suaminya, tak sediakan sarapan dan tak salam suami dia. Suaminya rasa terkilan.

Lebih kurang seminggu diorang bergaduh. Lalu si suami tu pun ambil pendekatan bengong, dia tak cakap dengan isterinya dah, tapi berkomunikasi secara tulis nota je. Dia tulis atas kertas, dia bagi isteri dia baca.

Satu malam tu, suami tu tulis nota kat isteri dia, 'YANG, TOLONG KEJUT ABANGG KUL 6.30 PAGI YER, ADA MESYUARAT TERGEMPAR ESOK'. Isteri dia mengangguk.

Kringg!!! Kringg!! Kring!! Alarm berbunyi. Suami tu pun bangun, dia tengok jam, dah pukul 9.00 pagi. Dengan tension, dia tengok ke sebelah, isteri dia tak ada , tapi ada kertas atas katil, dia ambil lalu membacanya : 'BANG, BANGUNLAH BANG, DAH 6.30 PAGI NI, NANTI LEWAT. BANG, BANGUNLAAAA'

Suami pun bermonolog dalaman pada dirinya 'Hampeh !!'


Masih Lagi Sayang

Kamal diundang kawannya makan malam. Mizal si tuan rumah, memanggil isterinya dengan kata-kata Sayang... Manis... Cintaku... Sayangku... Kasihku... dan seumpamanya.

Kamal memandang Mizal dan berkata,"Romantis sekali, setelah berpuluh tahun menikah, kau tetap memanggil isterimu dgn kata-kata itu."

Mizal mengangkat bahu dan berbisik,"Sebenarnya, aku lupa namanya sejak tiga tahun lalu."


Malam Pertama Malam Terindah

Sang suami yang baru menikah merasa hairan melihat tingkah laku isterinya, yang pada malam pertama membuka jendela dan menatap ke langit melihat bintang-bintang.

Dengan jengkel suaminya berkata...
"Ada apa gerangan kau menatap langit di malam pertama kita ini?" Jawab sang istri,
"Menurut ibu saya, malam ini akan menjadi malam terindah selama hidup saya. Jadi saya tak akan melewatkan sedetik pun keindahan malam ini, aku akan menatapnya sampai pagi."