Political speeches are like a steer: a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.
2.
A woman was having sex with her husband’s best friend when the telephone rang and her husband’s mobile number appeared on the caller ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of the bed and began to dress in a hurry.
“Relax,” she said after she hung up the phone.
“He was just calling to tell me that he’ll be home late because he’s out bowling with you.”
3.
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4.
A man passed away and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover the expense of an elaborate funeral he wished to be held in his honor. As the last guests were leaving the service, a close family friend asked the man’s
widow how much of the money she had used for the funeral.
“All of it,” the widow said.
“I spent the whole $30,000.”
“Oh,” exclaimed the friend. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone,” the widow explained.
The friend quickly computed the total and was stunned. “You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it?” the friend asked.
“Two and a half carats,” the widow replied.
5.
One night, while a man and his girlfriend were having hot and heavy sex, the girlfriend started to scream and squirm as she never had before.
“You know you were screwing me in the ass, don’t you?” she yelled.
“Actually,” her boyfriend admitted, “I wasn’t quite sure.”
“Then why didn’t you stop and find out?” she asked.
“Well,” he said, “you know how much men hate to stop and ask for directions.”
6.
A couple wanted to be adventurous, so one night they wandered into the woods near their house to have sex. After about 15 minutes the man stopped and said,
“Damn, I wish I had brought a flashlight—I can’t see a thing.”
“I wish you had brought one too,” his girlfriend replied. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”
7.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had just gotten two new dogs. “What did you name them?” the girl asked her friend.
The blonde said, “One is named Rolex and the other is named Timex.”
“Those are unusual names,” her friend said.
“How did you come up with them?”
“Well, duh,” the blonde replied, “they’re watchdogs.”
8.
One day a young boy walked into his parents’bedroom and discovered his father sitting on the side of the bed, sliding on a condom.
In an attempt to hide his erection and the rubber on it, the father bent over and pretended to be looking for something under the bed.
“What are you doing, Dad?” the boy asked.
“Oh,” the father replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Surprised, the boy said, “What are you going to do, fuck it?”
9.
One day a new patient walked into a doctor’s office and said,
“Doctor, I have an unusual problem. I have five penises.”
“Well,” the doctor said, looking skeptical, “if that’s the case, then how do your pants fit?”
The man replied, “Like a glove.”
