Great Quotes

1.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

-- Red Buttons

2.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

-- Steve Bluestone

3.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

-- George Carlin

4.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

-- Carol Leifer

5.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

-- Dave Edison

6.

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

-- Jack Mayberry

7.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

-- Elayne Boosler

8.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

-- John Mendoza

9.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

-- Jeff Stilson

10.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

-- Jerry Seinfeld

11.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

-- Lily Tomlin