Sex Joke - A 50-Year-Old Couple

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." 

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" 

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!"

Sex Joke - Turn Around !

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints!! 
 

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. 

"What's wrong?"

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." 

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'"

Sex Joke - All Of 'Em

In an elementary school, the teacher gives school work to the class. Everybody writes except little John. The teacher asks him:

Teacher - John, why aren’t you writing?
John - I’m exhausted because of sex.
Teacher - That should not be a problem, write with your left hand. 

---

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. 

The husband: Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

---

While making love, he says:

- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

---

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:

- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

---

Two friends:

- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

---

A little boy asked his mother:

- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

---

One woman stops a taxi.

- To the airport, please.

After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:

- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

---

One man calls emergency:

- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!

After five minutes, the same man calls back:

- It is OK, I found another one.

---

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:

- Daddy, my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.

After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:

- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

Sex Joke - Penis vs Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." 

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Sex Joke - Wife In Comma

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. 

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. 

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. 

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. 

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Sex Joke

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. 

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. 

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?" 

"I got fired.."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Sex Joke

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. 

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." 

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Being Lucky

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. 

They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. 

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" 

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

The 6 Shots

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. 

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" 

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." 

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Hard vs Soft

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." 

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

The Magic Joke !!

Want to see something ? Click here to see some magic !!

BMW Acronyms

Brings Me Women!

Bavarian Murder Weapons 

Born Moderately Wealthy 

Big Mexican Weiner 

Big Money Waste 

Break My Windows 

Black Mans Willy 

Beats My Wood 

Borrows My Wallet 

Bothers My Willy

Buffoon Made Waste

Bust My Waller 

Broke My Wallet 

Brings Me Women 

Bought My Wife 

Breaks Most Wrenches

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder 

Best Motorcycle Worldwide 

Bad Mutha' Wheels

Boozedup Moron Wagon

Black Man's Wheels 

Be My Wife 

Black Man's Wish 

Big Money Waster 

Break My Window 

Bring Money With you

Materialistic Lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. 

 

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. 

 

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeemer!!!", he whiningly said. 

 

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

 

"Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?

Mid Life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. 

 

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. 

 

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. 

 

The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. 

 

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. 

 

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 

 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

BMW Jokes

Q: How many BMW car salesmen does it take to change your light bulb? 

A: It depends on your credit, current lease terms, and willingness to take a balloon payment!

Q: What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? 

A: Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

Q: What is the BMW owner's most ardent wish? 

A: A bigger penis.

That Make Us Even

Two hillbillies were out fishing one afternoon. The First said to the second, ”Supposing’ 

I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was Off hunting’, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us kin?”

The second replied, “I don’t know about that, but it sure make us even.”

How a 100-years old couple make love

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand parents’ house to visit her 95 years-old grand mother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm – nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.” 

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “He’d still be alive today if that fucking ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Fart

A man walked into a car dealership and spotted the car of his dreams. He walked over to inspect it. As he bent to feel the fine leather upholstery, he broke wind. 

Embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone was nearby. 

A salesman approached and said, “Good day, sir, how may I help you today?”

The man asked, “what’s the price of this car?”

The salesman answered, “Frankly, sir I’d rather not say.”

He said, “Why not?”

The salesman said, “If you farted just touching it, you’re going to shit when you hear the price.”

Climax In Bed

A wife went to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doc. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out his earsplitting yell.”

“ My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up."

Kissed A Nun

A cabdriver picked up a nun. When she got into the cab, the driver couldn’t stop staring at her. “I have to ask you a question,” he said, “and I hope you won’t be offended.”

“My son,” the nun said, “I’ve seen too much of the world to be offended by anything you might say. What is your question?”

“Well,” he said, “I’ve always had a fantasy of being kissed by a nun.” 

The nun smiles and said, “I’ll grant your wish on two conditions. First, you must be single, and second, you must be a catholic.”

The cabdriver became very exited and said. Yes I’m single and I am catholic.”

“Okay,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 

But when they got back on the street. The cabdriver began to cry. 

“My dear,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me,” the cabdriver said. “I lied. I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun replied, ‘That’s okay. My name is Kevin, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Heating Your Dinner