Playboy Jokes

1.
Political speeches are like a steer: a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.

2.
A woman was having sex with her husband’s best friend when the telephone rang and her husband’s mobile number appeared on the caller ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of the bed and began to dress in a hurry.
“Relax,” she said after she hung up the phone.
“He was just calling to tell me that he’ll be home late because he’s out bowling with you.”


3.
How is air like sex? It’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

GET IT NOW !! CLICK ME ...ahhhh


4.
A man passed away and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover the expense of an elaborate funeral he wished to be held in his honor. As the last guests were leaving the service, a close family friend asked the man’s
widow how much of the money she had used for the funeral.
“All of it,” the widow said.
“I spent the whole $30,000.”
“Oh,” exclaimed the friend. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone,” the widow explained.
The friend quickly computed the total and was stunned. “You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it?” the friend asked.
“Two and a half carats,” the widow replied.



5.
One night, while a man and his girlfriend were having hot and heavy sex, the girlfriend started to scream and squirm as she never had before.
“You know you were screwing me in the ass, don’t you?” she yelled.
“Actually,” her boyfriend admitted, “I wasn’t quite sure.”
“Then why didn’t you stop and find out?” she asked.
“Well,” he said, “you know how much men hate to stop and ask for directions.”

6.
A couple wanted to be adventurous, so one night they wandered into the woods near their house to have sex. After about 15 minutes the man stopped and said,
“Damn, I wish I had brought a flashlight—I can’t see a thing.”
“I wish you had brought one too,” his girlfriend replied. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”

7.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had just gotten two new dogs. “What did you name them?” the girl asked her friend.
The blonde said, “One is named Rolex and the other is named Timex.”
“Those are unusual names,” her friend said.
“How did you come up with them?”
“Well, duh,” the blonde replied, “they’re watchdogs.”

8.
One day a young boy walked into his parents’bedroom and discovered his father sitting on the side of the bed, sliding on a condom.
In an attempt to hide his erection and the rubber on it, the father bent over and pretended to be looking for something under the bed.
“What are you doing, Dad?” the boy asked.
“Oh,” the father replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Surprised, the boy said, “What are you going to do, fuck it?”


9.
One day a new patient walked into a doctor’s office and said,
“Doctor, I have an unusual problem. I have five penises.”
“Well,” the doctor said, looking skeptical, “if that’s the case, then how do your pants fit?”
The man replied, “Like a glove.”

Virginity is like a balloon ; one prick and it's gone.

searching for good coverage

3 kereta

Pada suatu malam yang hening dan sunyi di lebuhraya utara selatan kelihatan sebuah kelisa putih tersadai di sebelah lane kerosakan. Ada orang tua yang berdiri disebelahnya,pemilik kelisa tu sedang berjalan kehulu kehilir cuba menahan kereta supaya membantu.tidak ada sebuah kereta pun berhenti.tiba-tiba datangla sebuah kereta evo10 berhenti di sebelah kelisa tadi.

"Ada apa nie pakcik,kereta rosak ke?"tanya pemuda berusia dalam lingkungan 20an."a'ha rosak "jawap pakcik tu simple aje....

"Ok,cam nie,saya ada tali nanti saya ikat kat kereta saya dan saya tarik kereta pakcik sampai tol"mamat nie bagi idea.

"worrait gak tu...", tapi....nanti kalau pakcik rasa awak bawak laju pakcik akan hon dan bagi high beam"

"Ok pakcik"..mamat nie pun ikatlah tali kat kereta kelisa didepan dan hujungnya diikat dibelakang bumper evonye.
dia pun jalanla..dengan slow dan berhati-hati. Dalam lima kilometer mamat nie laju le sikit,apalagi pakcik tu pun hon dan bagi high beam la kat mamat tu.Mamat tu pun slowkan balik..

Tiba-tiba ada sebuah ferrari datang dari belakang dan press minyak kat mamat evo10.apa lagi,jiwa muda patang dicabar, dia pun tekan la minyak rapat nak kejar ferrari nie...lupa la pulak dia dengan kelisa org tua yg diikat kat belakang kereta dia.

Orang tua tu punya la hangin satu badan,dia pun hon dan bagi hi beam bagai nak rak.Mamat evo10 tu dah tak sedar dah angin punya pasal.
Kebetulan pilak polis ada buat speed trap kat bawah jambatan.

Vrooommm......bedesup peginye... ini dah lebih speed limit nie...kate polis nie..cecah 250kmj memasing nie... Dia pun contact la kengkawan dia kat depan supaya saman kereta-kereta yg laju nie...

"Over..over,ada tiga buah kenderaan memandu melebihi had laju,sebuah ferrari,sebuah evo10 dan sebuah lagi kalau aku cakap korang mesti tak percaye punye.........sebuah kelisa biru tengah cucuk angin evo10 tu dan bagi hon dan hi beam nak potong!!!"

Top 10 Countries Without Military Forces

As said by famous French statesman George Clemenceau, “War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military,” and even today, his statement still stands true. While most countries have large military forces that are able to deploy and protect at any given time (the largest and most notable being China, at about 1,600,000 army personnel), some countries have no military at all.

Below is a list of ten countries that have no set military forces, each of them with varying reasons why; some because of the country’s history other because of its location. While many people believe that a military force is a necessity, there are countries that see or have no need for them; however, in many cases, there is a back-up plan in the case that the country is attacked or war is declared upon that country.

10. Solomon Islands

The Solomon Islands, surprisingly, is not made up of just a few islands, but totals ranging in the thousands. Ever since the U.K. became the country’s protectorate in 1893, the country hasn’t had much of a military defense. During WWII the country did have the British Solomon Islands Protectorate Defense Force. Then, in 1976 the Solomon Islands were able to establish a government that was stable up until about 1998. During 1998-2006, the country was plagued with misconduct within the government, crime, and ethnic conflict. To properly resolve these issues, New Zealand and Australia both stepped in to restore peace and eventually disarm. Today the country internally has the Solomon Islands Police Force.

So who’s the protector?

There is no set protector of the Solomon Islands; however, the country had paid Australia for certain defense items. If a war were to ever be declared upon the islands, Australia would probably be one of the first countries to provide a defense. (Image: “Captain Warren Frederick Martin Clemens, British Solomon Islands Protectorate Defense Force (BSIPDF), with six members of the BSIPDF Scouts,” www.leatherneck.com.)

9. Costa Rica

Though the country did once have an army, today, Costa Rica stands as one of many countries without a formal standing army. On December 1, 1948, José Figueres Ferrer, president at the time, signed legislation that would abolish the military after the fatal Costa Rican civil war that killed almost 2,000 people. To properly represent this abolishment, the president himself was able to break a wall of the Cuartel Bellavista, which was once an army headquarters location. Today the country has the Fuerza Pública which provides law enforcement, ground security, border patrol, and many other common duties held by a police force.

So who’s the protector?

Thanks to the Inter-American Treaty of Reciprocal Assistance of 1947, if any country were to ever attack or declare war upon Costa Rica, the country can depend on 21 other countries, including the U.S., Chile, and Cuba to provide some sort of military force to provide defense. The treaty stands that if any of the signed countries were attacked, those other countries would be looked upon to help provide some sort of military defense.

8. Samoa

Today, Samoa has no set military force that could be used if ever necessary. Instead, the country would have to rely on outside friendships with other countries to find protection and defense in wartime. The country does have a Samoa Police Force, but of course, this is definitely not considered to be a military force for the entire country.

So who’s the protector?

Samoa has a friendship treaty with New Zealand, made in 1962. In the event of a war or other foreign invasion, Samoa can call upon New Zealand for any sort of necessary military aid. However the agreement does state that either country can pull out of the treaty at any time if wanted.

7. Palau

Despite the lack of a national military force, Palau does have a Palau National Police section that was created to provide the necessary protection for civilians. Like most police forces, the Palau National Police force is needed to keep the peace and attend to any internal unrest that may occur. If war were to ever arise, Palau would have to reach out for help from other countries to provide some sort of defense system.

So who’s the protector?

Standing as an associated state, Palau will be protected by the U.S. in the event that the country is attacked or if another country decides that war with Palau is a must. This is because of the Compact of Free Association of 1983 that basically made the U.S. the protectorate of Palau.

6. Andorra

Despite not ever having a true organized military, the tiny country of Andorra was bold enough to declare war on Germany in 1914 and join the so called Great War. With a 10-man strong army, the country did not do much and was not taken seriously. Even though the country did officially pick sides, Andorra was not invited to the Versailles Peace Treaty negotiations. In 1931 the group of men roughly called an army was replaced by the Andorran National Police. This group, made up of about 240 men, was created to help keep the peace and is even trained to provide hostage rescue. Joining the police force is a must if you’re a man who owns a firearm.

So who’s the protector?

Andorra has not one, not two, but three protectors. France and Spain have both pledged to be the militaristic protectors of the 181 sq mi. country because of its location (landlocked). In fact in 1933, France militaristic force was needed to help settle civil unrest in the country. Besides these two countries, NATO forces would also take part in protecting the country if ever necessary.

5. Grenada

Ever since the American-led invasion of Grenada, the country has not been able to establish a standing army. The invasion was mostly started because of a military coup and a power struggle within the government that led to the execution of the Grenadian Prime Minister, Maurice Bishop. Because of this invasion which successfully turned a communist state back into a democratic nation, the country does not have a standing army, but relies on the Royal Grenada Police Force as well as the Regional Security System.

So who’s the protector?

There is no set country that is set out to protect Grenada with a military force. Because of the Regional Security System, the country can look to Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Dominica, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, and Saint Vincent and the Grenadines for some sort of military support; however, most of these countries do not have a big enough defense system to be of great assistance. It seems that inevitably the U.S. would run to the rescue.

4. Marshall Islands

Under the Compact of Free Association of 1983, the Marshall Islands was granted the status of a sovereign nation. Also involved in the pact is the Federated States of Micronesia and Palau. Under this agreement, the three countries would be free, but would stand as associated states to the U.S. This means that the U.S. will serve as the protectorate and that the Marshall Islands would have no regular military force, or any sort of responsibility for the country’s defense during wartime. The country created the Marshall Islands Police to carry out common police duties within the country.

So who’s the protector?

Since the Marshall Islands are considered to be an associated state to the U.S., the U.S. is fully responsible for the country’s defense and security. If the islands were ever attacked, the U.S. would have to provide the necessary military support to assist in the war.

3. Liechtenstein

Like a few others on the list, Liechtenstein is another country that decided to completely abolish its standing army. Liechtenstein got rid of its army in 1868 after the Austro-Prussian War because it was said to be too expensive for the country to afford. After the country was freed from the German Confederation, it was obligated to maintain its own army, but the funding just wasn’t available. However, to keep peace within the country, there is a police force known as the Principality of Liechtenstein National Police.

So who’s the protector?

There is no set country that would have to defend Liechtenstein in the event of a war or some other sort of attack. It is said that the country is allowed to rally up an army in the case of a war, but this army would probably be futile and help from Switzerland just might come. There have been talks of Switzerland being responsible for Liechtenstein’s defense, but neither country have proven or denied this claim. (Image: www.landespolizei.li.)

2. Nauru

Nauru, known as the smallest island country in the world at just 8.1 sq miles is definitely unique in many ways, though like plenty others on the list, has no set standing army or any other type of military force. The country, possibly due to its size, doesn’t even have a capital. Though extremely small, the country does have a Nauru Police Force that is utilized to ensure that the country is able to maintain stability. Located in a group of thousands of small islands called Micronesia, the country is heavily relied upon for its readily accessible phosphate. Today the country keeps close contact with nearby Australia and other Micronesia islands.

So who’s the protector?

It is said that through an informal agreement made between Nauru and Australia that Australia would supply militaristic needs or basic country defense. In fact, in December 1940 when Germany attacked Nauru, the Australian Navy was called upon to defend the country as necessary.

1. Vatican City

Named the smallest country in the world, Vatican City, unsurprisingly, is a country that does not have a de jure military; however, this hasn’t always been the case. In the past, there were numerous militaristic groups that were created to protect the country and most importantly the Pope. Notably the Noble Guard and the Palatine Guard did exist, but Pope Paul VI abolished both groups in 1970. Today, Vatican City’s best example of a militaristic force would be the Pontifical Swiss Guard. This group is meant to protect the Pope as well as the Palace of the Vatican. There is also the Gendarmerie Corps, but this group is considered to be a civilian force rather than military. They are responsible for keeping public order, traffic control, border control, and investigating criminal activity.

So who’s the protector?

Well, since Vatican City is located in Rome, Italy is fully responsible for protecting the tiny country within its own country’s capital. Italy has an organized armed force of about 186,798 men and women with 109,703 personnel in the Army and 43,882 in the Navy. The country also has an Air Force that can provide protection as needed.

Playboy Jokes

1.
As a group of people boarded a packed hotel elevator, a man was pushed to the ear corner. Unable to reach the panel of buttons, he called out, “Ballroom, please.”
“I’m sorry,” the woman in front of him said. “I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

2.
Three men were sitting around discussing women, and one said to the others, “I enjoy looking at a woman’s tits the most.”
“Personally I’d rather look at a woman’s ass,” the second man replied. “How about you?” he asked, turning to the third man.
“Me?” the man said. “I prefer to see the top of a woman’s head.”

3.
A surly man walked into a bar, ordered a beer,chugged it, gestured to the right side of the room and bellowed,
“All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!”
The entire bar fell silent. After a moment the man said, “Anyone here got a problem with what I said?”
Everyone remained quiet, so the man ordered another beer, took a swig, gestured to his left and added, “And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!”
Once again the bar fell silent. The man looked around and roared, “Anyone got a problem with that?”
A lone man got up from his stool unsteadily and started to walk toward the man.
The belligerent man looked him in the eye and said, “You got a problem, buddy?”
“Oh no,” the man replied. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

4.
A huge man was getting married to a very petite woman, and at their wedding one of the man’s friends asked him how the two managed to have sex, given the extreme difference in their sizes.
“Well,” the large man replied, “I sit on a chair and she sits facing me on my lap, and then I just bob her up and down.”
“You know, that doesn’t sound too bad,” the friend said.
“It’s great,” the man replied. “It’s kind of like jerking off, only I have somebody to talk to.”

5.
The perfect husband is a man who regularly makes his wife’s panties wet. He does the laundry every week. Around dusk a patrolman started making his
evening rounds and discovered two elderly ladies sitting in a vehicle in the lot of a used-car dealership. He stopped and asked what they were doing.
“You ladies aren’t trying to steal this car, are you?” the officer asked.
“Heavens no,” one of the women answered.
“We bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it home?” the officer said.
“Neither one of us can drive,” the other woman replied.
“Then why on earth did you buy a car?” the officer asked.
“Well,” the first woman replied, “we were told we would get screwed if we bought a used car, so now we’re just waiting.”



6.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: There is an engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering.

7.
One morning a man opened his newspaper and was stunned to see his own death notice in the obituary column. Horrified, he immediately called his best friend.
“Have you seen today’s paper?” he asked his friend. “It says I died!”
“Yes, I saw it,” his friend replied. “So where are you calling from?”

8.
A recent study of men’s sleeping habits found that three percent of men wake up in the middle of the night to urinate, two percent get up to raid the fridge and 50 percent get up to go home.

TERKANGKANG

Dua pelajar Kolej Perubatan bersiar siar kat bandar. Mereka terserempak dengan seorang tua jalan terkangkang- kangkang.

Pelajar A kata "Orang tua tu tentu mengidap Sindrom Petry" Pelajar B pulak kata " Tak lah, dia mengidap Sindrom Zovitzki" Mereka hampir bergaduh pasal hal ni. Akhirnya pelajar A kata "Apa kata kita tanya je orang tua tu?" Pelajar B pun setuju. Mereka pun menghampiri orang tua itu.

Pelajar A: Kami tengok pak cik jalan terkangkang, boleh kami tahu pak cik mengidap penyakit apa?

Orang Tua: Kamu fikir aku ada penyakit apa?

Pelajar A: Saya fikir pak cik mengidap sindrom petry.

Orang Tua: Emm... bukan.

Pelajar B: Kalau macam tu, pak cik mesti mengidap sindrom Zovitzki.

Orang Tua: ...pun bukan.

Pelajar A: Habis tu?

Orang Tua: Emm, sebenarnya aku nak kentut tadi... tapi terberak pulak dalam seluar... sebab tu la aku jalan terkangkang.

Uniform

Hari pertama Chot kerja jadi Pak Guard, dia dapat tangkap 2 org staf sebab melakukan sex di dalam pejabat.

Chot: Aha! Ini dah menyalahi undang-undang syarikat!

Lelaki: Undang-undang apa?

Chot: Tak pakai uniform!.

Monyet Terbuang

Di suatu kaunter pandu bayar, sebuah kereta didapati masuk untuk membuat pembayaran bil..

Setelah selesai urusan pembayaran, cashier itu terpandang ke belakang kereta dan ternampak seekor monyet sedang duduk disitu.

Melihat cashier itu kehairanan, pemandu itu berkata,"Saya bertemu dengannya di tepi jalan. kerana kesihan saya mengambilnya. .. err.. cik ada idea apa yang perlu saya buat?"

Cashier itu berkata sambil tersenyum,"Ya! saya rasa baik encik membawanya ke Zoo"

Pemandu itu tersenyum dan berkata,"Betul juga.. Mengapa saya tidak terfikir sejauh itu?"

Beberapa bulan selepas itu...di tempat yang sama cashier itu bertemu lagi dengan pemandu itu. Alangkah terkejutnya dia kerana mendapati monyet itu masih berada di belakang kereta itu.

"Saya ingat encik sudah membawanya ke Zoo" katanya.

Pemandu itu terus menjawab, "Ya.. Saya telah membawanya ke Zoo dan setelah kami puas berjalan-jalan. . saya merancang ingin bawanya ke pantai pula".

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Mengeluh

Keluhan seorang SUAMI:

Subuh, mandi nak pergi kerja.
Pagi, naik kereta pergi kerja.
Tengahari, tak payah kerja.
Petang, balik kerja.
Maghrib, tak ada kerja.
Malam, tanya bini bole kerja.
Bangun pagi, penat malam tadi kerja.
Tak sudah-sudah dengan kerja.

Keluhan seorang ISTERI:

Subuh basuh kain.
Pagi sidai kain.
Tengahari angkat kain.
Petang lipat kain.
Maghrib susun kain.
Malam BUKA KAIN.
Bangun pagi, hilang kain.
Tak sudah-sudah dengan kain

Husband V/S Wife

1.
Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

2.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday.

3.
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

4.
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

5.
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

6.
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

7.
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

8.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, :You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.:

(1)
To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!!


(2)
A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in monthly installment.'


(3)
Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'


(4)
The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know
what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'


(5)
4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.


(6)
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.


(7)
Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!


(8)
A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'


(9)
At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.


(10)
What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time.
Not 1 inch 7 times.'


(11)
The vagina is the world's best rehabilatation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.


(12)
A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattoed on his dick.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'


(13)
Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

Arab student sends an e-mail

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

---------------------------------------------------
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Military Time

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Jeles

Seorang isteri ingin menghubungi suaminya, tetapi telefonnya tidak berkredit lalu menyuruh anak lelakinya menyampaikan mesej penting kepada si suami yang sedang bekerja di site.

Selepes si anak membuat panggilan, si anak memberitahu ibunya seorang perempuan lain yang menjawab pesanan telefon. Walaupun sudah berkali-kali si anak menelefon, tetap perempuan itu juga yang menjawab.

Si isteri pun dengan marahnya menunggu kepulangan suami dari kerja di depan pintu rumah. Sesampainya suami, si isteri membelasah habis-habisan si suami kerana perlakuan curangnya.

Habis berkumpul jiran tetangga di depan rumah untuk melihat drama petang itu. Si isteri menyuruh anaknya memberitahu semua orang apa yang dikatakan oleh perempuan di talian tadi.

Si anak pun cakap "Harap maaf, nombor yang anda dail berada di luar kawasan liputan. Sila cuba sebentar lagi".

Temuduga

Seorang CEO ingin mencari eksekutif baru dalam syarikatnya. Dari beribu permohonan, hanya empat yang betul-betul menarik perhatiannya.

Bagaimanapun beliau tidak dapat memilih antara keempat-empat orang calon tersebut, lantas memanggil kesemuanya untuk ditemuduga (beliau tidak sekaya Donald Trump untuk menganjurkan temuduga seperti The Apprentice).

Setelah keempat-empat calon berada di hadapan beliau, CEO tadi pun mula berkata " Saya ada satu soalan yang mungkin memberi jawapan berbeza, calon yang memberikan jawapan terbaik akan diterima untuk bekerja di sini".

"Soalannya adalah apakah perkara atau benda yang paling pantas sekali?" tanya CEO tersebut.

Calon pertama berkata " FIKIRAN , kerana kadang ianya datang sendiri tanpa kita sedari "

"Bagus, satu jawapan yang baik " kata CEO tadi.

"Kamu pula ? " tanya nya kepada calon kedua.

"KELIP MATA, kerana tanpa kita sedari, sebelum sempat kita buat apa pun, mata kita dah berkelip " jawab calon kedua.

"Satu jawapan yang sangat baik , lagipun perumpamaan melayu pun ada sebut SEKELIP MATA melambangkan kepantasan " kata CEO itu.

"Bagaimana kamu pula? " tanya CEO kepada calon ketiga.

"Kalau kita tengok, lampu KLCC dihidupkan dengan pantas walaupun bangunan tu tinggi. Jadi saya rasa MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU adalah paling pantas" jawab calon ketiga.

"Jawapan yang terhebat setakat ni. Bagaimana pula dengan kamu ? "CEO terus mengusulkan soalan kepada calon keempat dengan merasakan calon ketiga hampir pasti menjadi eksekutif baru di syarikatnya dengan jawapan yang sangat bagus sebentar tadi.

" Setelah diteliti jawapan calon-calon sebelum saya ni tadi, saya rasa perkara yang paling pantas sekali adalah CIRIT-BIRIT " jawab calon keempat dengan yakin sekali.

" Haaa...???? CIRIT-BIRIT ???? Kamu ni tak serius langsung, macamana kamu boleh mintak kerja dengan syarikat saya ni ? " CEO terkejut dengan jawapan calon keempat tadi.

"Begini tuan, malam kelmarin saya terjaga di tengah malam dengan rasa sakit perut yang amat sangat. Belum sempat saya FIKIR , KELIP MATA atau MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU, benda tu dah terkeluar dah......."

Calon keempat diterima menjadi eksekutif baru syarikat berkenaan...

Tan Ah Beng

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"

Salesgirl : "Yes !"

Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

--------? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question. After much thought, he writes " Yes "

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss: "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do ?"

Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his
picture is being taken.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?

Because he can'! t find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command.

After some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key ! for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But ..... what happened to the other ear ?"

Ah Beng answered :

"That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

-------?! ? ? ? ? ?-------


Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND
LAS VEGAS ?"

Operator ! : "JUST A MINUTE..."

Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S
TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL."

Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------


At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,
JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" Ah Beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, ! MARRIED lah"

Please tell me "WHY"

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12.. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Investigating A Homicide

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the CSI officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.

The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The CSI officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

Political Corruption Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Kisah Si Isteri Empat

"Pada zaman dahulu kala, terdapatlah seorang kaya yang beristeri empat. Dia ini kira ikut benarlah sunat Rasulullah sebab musabab beristeri ni.

Isteri pertamanya sudah tua, rupa pun dah kurang cantik, maklumlah, kedut sana kedut sini, gelembir sana gelembir sini, kecut sana kecut sini, kata orang sekarang dah tak ngam dah. Jadi isteri ini kurang diberi perhatian kerana sudah tua. Isteri ini juga jarang diberikan nafkah baik zahir atau pun batin. Pendek kata dia tidak bertanggungjawab sepenuhnya kepada isteri pertama ini.

Isteri kedua pun lebih kurang sama saja dengan isteri pertama. Pun kurang cantik dan kurang mengancam. Maka selalulah isteri kedua ini diabaikan. Lebih kurang sama saja nasibnya dengan isteri pertama.

Isteri ketiga masih mengancam, pinggang masih ramping, kulit masih tegang, dan isteri ini selalulah dikunjungi oleh si suami tadi. Maka manjalah isteri ketiga ini bukan main, maklumlah, kata orang "bermanja pada yang sayang". Maka banyaklah duit si kaya tadi dihabiskan untuk isteri ketiga ini.

Isteri keempat baru belasan tahun. Cantiknya usah di kiralah. Badannya amat gebu sekali. Tiada kedut sana kedut sini, tiada gandut sana gendut sini. Lenggangnya pun amat mengancam. Pendekata sisuami cukup risau kalau isteri keempat ini berjalan berseorangan. Maka amat sayanglah dia kepada isteri keempat ini dan sering dibawa kemana saja dia pergi. Maklumlah, takut orang lain kebas. Maka kebanyakan masa dan duitnya habis untuk isteri pertama saja…

Maka pada suatu hari , si suami jatuh sakit dan doktor kata umurnya dah tak panjang. Cuma tinggal beberapa bulan saja lagi sebelum dia menemui Allah. Maka risaulah si suami ini akan perihal isteri-isterinya yang akan ditinggalkan, terutama isteri ketiga dan keempat. Masih belum puas rasanya dia hidup bersama isteri ketiga dan keempat itu.

Lalu dia pun memanggil isteri-isterinya seorang demi seorang untuk bertanyakan soalan yang sama saja iaitu " Jika aku mati, mahukah kamu ikut bersama-samaku ke dalam kubor? "

Jawab isteri keempat. "Saya masih cantik bang, ramai pemuda yang masih inginkan saya. Saya kawin dengan abang pun kerana abang banyak harta. Kalau abang mati, dengan cepat saya boleh kawin lain. Takkan saya nak ikut abang ke kubor? Abang tinggallah dalam kubor tu sendirian manakala saya akan menikmati kehidupan ini bersama suami baru yang lebih muda". Hampa rasanya si suami mendengarkan kata-kata isteri keempatnya itu.

Berkata pula isteri ketiga. "Saya pun masih cantik abang. Kalau abang mati saja, saya rasa saya akan bertemu jodoh dengan orang lain. Mungkin saya agak tua untuk dapatkan anak teruna, tetapi kalau nak dapatkan duda rasanya tak ada masalah. Jadi, tak mungkin saya akan ikut abang ke kubor kerana saya masih muda dan boleh menikmati hidup ini dengan suami baru. Abang tinggallah dalam kubor itu sendirian. Selamat tinggal abang". Dah dua kali hampanya hati sisuami tadi.

Jawab pula isteri ketiga. "Saya ini dah agak tua abang. Takkan ada orang yang mahukan saya lagi, tapi saya tak rela ikut abang ke dalam kubor kerana harta yang abang tinggalkan banyak lagi. Belum puas rasanya saya hidup dan lepas abang meninggal bolehlah saya hidup senang dengan harta peninggalan abang. Saya tak akan ikut abang masuk ke kubor, tetapi sekali sekala saya akan datang dan menziarahi kubor abang dan menghadiahkan fatihah dan yasin untuk abang." Lega sedikit hati si suami yang tenat tadi.

Isteri pertama dengan menangis teresak-esak menjawab. "Jika di takdirkan Allah, saya mati bersama-sama abang, saya rela mengikut abang bersama-sama ke dalam kubor. Saya telah hidup dengan abang begitu lama dan saya cukup bahagia walaupun abang mengabaikan saya. Abanglah satu-satunya suami untuk saya di dunia dan di akhirat. Saya redha mati bersama-sama abang jika ditakdirkan. Saya pun dah cukup bahagia hidup bersama abang dan rasanya saya tidak kerugian apa-apa jika mengikut abang ke dalam kubor". Sejuk sungguh rasa hati si suami mendengarkan kata-kata isteri pertama tadi. Barulah dia tahu isteri mana yang paling baik dan yang mana pula paling tak berguna. Dia menyesal kerana memberikan kasih sayang kepada isteri yang tak sepatutnya dibelai.

Itu Cuma adalah kiasan sahaja. Isteri keempat adalah umpama harta benda kita. Kita amat sayang akan harta kita, malah kita bekerja bermati-matian mencari harta. Kita sanggup mati hatta mengumpul harta benda. Harta bendalah yang paling kita sayang tetapi ingatlah harta itu tidak mengikut kita ke dalam kubor. Sebaliknya bila kita mati, harta itu menjadi kepunyaan orang lain pula. Rugilah manusia yang mengabdikan diri kepada harta.

Isteri kedua umpama pangkat dan darjat. Ramai juga yang bekerja begitu kuat untuk mendapatkan pangkat dan gelaran. Ada bergelar Tun, Tan Sri, Datuk dan sebagainya dengan pembagai bintang disematkan dibaju. Tapi sayang apabila mati, pangkat dan bintang itu akan ditinggalkan. Pangkat dan bintang itu tidak dapat memberikan satu pun menfaat untuk kita di dalam kubor. Jadi bekerjalah dengan ikhlas tanpa memikirkan tentang pangkat dan gelaran yang tak kemana. Rugilah lagi manusia yang bermati-matian untuk pangkat.

Isteri ketiga umpama sanak saudara. Kita juga menyayangi mereka tetapi ingat, mereka juga akan kita tinggalkan sebaik sahaja jasad kita ditimbus di dalam kubor. Mereka bolehlah sekali sekala datang melawat kubor kita dan mensedekahkan fatihah dan yasin untuk kita. Mereka juga bolehlah berdoa untuk kita di alam kubor, tetapi mereka tetap kita tinggalkan.

Isteri pertama ialah amalan kita yang akan kita bawa kemana saja kita pergi hatta sampai kealam akhirat. Amalan kitalah yang akan membela kita di depan Allah. Amalan kitalah yang akan memberatkan timbangan dan memungkinkan kita dirahmati Allah. Tetapi berapa ramai di antara kita yang bermati-matian untuk beramal? Berapa ramai di antara kita yang sangup berjaga malam berqiamulail untu mengabdikan diri kepada Allah? Berapa ramai pula yang tak bakhil untuk menginfakkan harta kita di jalan Allah? Jawabnya tentu tak ramai. Tapi ingatlah, amalan kita yang kita kurang ambil perhatian itulah yang akan mengikut kita ke dalam kubor.

Jadi ambillah iktibar. Kurangkan mengejar harta dan pangkat, tetapi kejarlah dan berlumba-lumbalah untuk beribadat kepada Allah. Sesungguhnya dengki yang paling baik ialah dengkikan orang yang kuat beribadat dan ini mendorong kita untuk berlumba-lumba dengannya untuk menambahkan amalan kita.

Unquotable Quotes

1. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2. To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3. The road to success... is always under construction.

4. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

5. Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Quick Laugh

No 1

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

No 2

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

No 3

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

No 4

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

No 5

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

No 6

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

No 7

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

No 8

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

No 9

Teacher: Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

No 10

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

No 11

Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'

No 12

A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'

No 13

Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'

No 14

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

Buang Kerja

Sam: Aku baru je kena buang kerja!

Dol: Apa pasal?

Sam: Supervisor aku punya pasal la.

Dol: Kenapa?

Sam: Engkau tau la supervisor macam mana. Tercegat je. Cekak pinggang, tengok orang buat kerja.

Dol: Memang la, tapi kenapa dia pecat engkau pulak.

Sam: Dia bengang kat aku.... sebab semua orang ingat aku supervisor.

Surat Berhenti Kerja

JULIANA BONUS BT CHE ROSS
NO 834,LORONG BAHGIA
TAMAN SEJAHTERA
06600
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =
MUHAMAD YUSOP
PLOT 131A,
JALAN PERINDUSTRIAN BUKIT MINYAK,
14100 BUKIT MINYAK,
SEBERANG PERAI TENGAH,
PENANG . 19 DEC 2005

TUAN,

PER : SURAT BERHENTI KERJA

Saya seperti nama diatas, ingin memohon berhenti kerja. Saya berharap permohonan ini diluluskan. Berikut adalah sebab- musabab saya ingin berhenti kerja:-

1. Saya kerap dibuli oleh senior.

2. Makanan di kantin tak sedap tapi mahal macam KFC. Tambahan pula kalau makcik senior yg kira.

3. Lagu 5'S tidak masuk dalam carta ERA.

4. Waktu rehat tersangat pendek 15 minit je... Nak beratur pun dah 20 minit!!!

5. KERJA BERDIRIIIIIIIIIII. .. ... ... . Kasut takde sponge pulak!!!!!

6. Bas kilang tersangat laju... . Tersangat BAHAYA... ..

7. Kalau setakat nak keja kilang, lebih baik tak payah ambil SPM. Indon tak ambil SPM pun boleh keja jugak!!!

8. Pekerja dipaksa O.T. Ingat kita orang ROBOT ke!!! Kalau tak O.T. ugut nak bagi Warning Letter pulakk... ..

9. Pintu kecemasan dihalang. Bila BOMBA audit baru kalut. KESELAMATAN TIDAK DIUTAMAKAN.

10. Scan in/out sikit nak masuk kena beratok sampai GATE HOUSE nak balik kena beratok BULEH TAWAF satu kilang..

11. Pintu keluar masuk 2 shj. Pekerja beribu... . Masuk LATE marah!!! Balik LATE driver BAS pulak marah!!!! sampai rumah mak bapak pulak yang marah KAMI selalu kena MARAHHHHHH.. .

12. Boss kadang 2 ok, kadang 2 tension sampai tak ingat 2 yang kami ni orang gak

13. Faedah2 lain tak memuaskan. contoh keja bagai nak tecabut kepala lutut profet shereing HAMPEHHH

14. BANYAK LAGI NAK HABAQ TAPI KUT TAK SANGUP DENGAQ KUT!!!!

15. Bonus Tahun Ni Takde Macam Hampeh...Orang Gaji Besar je yang dapat,Orang bawahan semua tak dapat...Kalau mcm ni biar boss besar mati cepat!!!! ..baru ada keadilan.... .. Aminnnn

Untuk pengetahuan tuan, saya telah berjaya menabung sebanyak RM 1.5 juta selama saya bekerja sebagai operator. Wang itu telah saya laburkan dalam bentuk dinar emas. Setiap bulan, pendapatan saya adalah sebanyak RM890. Inilah faktor utama saya ingin berhenti kerja. Terima kasih atas segala kerjasama ... ... ... ... tunjuk ajar tuan selama ini dengan saya.

**Akhir kata, terimalah sebuah pantun MAUTdari saya... ... ..
IKAN KELI, IKAN KEMBUNG; ANGKAT KAKI, LLLAAAMMMBUNG. .. ... ... ... ...

What A True Malaysian Should Know

NATIONAL INSTANT FOOD :
Maggi Mee

NATIONAL BREAKFAST :
Nasi Lemak

NATIONAL LUNCH
Nasi Ayam

NATIONAL SUPPER
Roti Canai & Teh Tarik

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE
Traffic Jam

NATIONAL CONDOM
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms.
So they rushed into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack,
any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an
eye.

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION :
Pineapple

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK :
Stout. Many Malaysian men swear by it. But then after a few
pints they start swearing at everything.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN) :
Food Poisoning

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN) :
Menstrual Pain

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep,mother-i n-law
around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond
not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet,
forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period,
haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply,
going to watch 'Santa Barbara', depress, no mood, etc...

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :
None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHOEA
Cap Kaki Tiga. Down one bottle with warm water and you are
all 'dried up'.

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES :
Panadol. The 'cure for all'. If it fails we have another
secret weapon - Tiger Balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR NAUSEA
Moh Fah Kor.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES)
Happy Hours.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES) :
The sight of a police road block.

NATIONAL RICE COOKER
NATIONAL Rice Cooker

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP :
Anywhere As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME
Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!

NATIONAL ANSWER FOR 'WHERE ARE YOU' ?
- on the way.

NATIONAL OFFICIAL TIME FOR BEING LATE :
- 10 minutes

NATIONAL REASON FOR PRICE INCREASE
Petrol naik lagi kawan... semua barang pun kena naik ler...
inclusive chicken meat?

NATIONAL REASON FOR PETROL INCREASE :
Still cheaper than other country la...

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR CAUSING TRAFFIC JAM
there was accident on the other side of the road.. of course
must slow down and tengok-tengok, kaypoh-kaypoh lah!

NATIONAL REASON WHEN REJECTING INVITATION
'I got some work to do la..u all go first la..'

NATIONAL REASON FOR COLLAPSED BUILDINGS & LEAKY PARLIAMENT
ROOFS : An act of God. Definitely nothing to with greased
palms and poor quality control. Nope, none whatsoever.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR IRRESPONSIBLE POLITICAL STATEMENTS :
None. We were misquote d.

NATIONAL MINISTERIAL REASON FOR INCREASING TOLL RATES :
Orang cakap mau naik mesti mau naik lah! Lu ingat ini jalan
saya punya bapak punya kah?!

NATIONAL REASON FOR HAVING BIG ONION DOMES ON TAXPAYER
FUNDED PUBLIC BUILDINGS : Dunno. It's not as if we're
anywhere near the middle east.

NATIONAL REASON FOR SPURNING BAILOUT PACKAGES FROM FOREIGN
CAR COMPANIES : We're about to unveil another badly designed
low budget car, which, coupled with our notorious customer
service and corporate mismanagement, will see us bankrupt
again within the next 5 years. And so we have absolutely no
need for the Germans and their silly car-making and
market-positioning knowhow, thank you very much.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR JUMPING QUEUE (TRAFFIC JAM OR WHAT EVER
QUEUE) : Everybody doing what lah.......

NATIONAL EXCUSE NOT PAYING SAMAN ACCORDING TO DUE DATE :
Relax ler... government will give discount one of these days

NATIONAL EXCUSE TO BRIBE (ANY CONDITION) :
Give them minum kopi lar...

Teka Teki Lawak

Soalan :

1) Jilat-jilat bila dah basah baru cucuk

2) Banyak-banyak bas, bas apa yang pandai

3) Banyak-banyak mi, mi apa yang boleh makan ngan ais

4) Kenapa anjing kencing angkat sebelah kaki

5) Apa perbezaan lampu stadium ngan lampu bilik

6) Apa binatang, badan kecik macam semut tapi mata besar "bulb" mentol

7) Mana lagi tua, motorsikal ke kereta?

8) Kangkang peluk, kangkag peluk, bila dah dekat climax pegang buah

9) Ahmad bin Abu, kambing bin apa?

10) Bagaimana nak bezakan ikan betina ngan ikan jantan?

IKLAN DULU :

Jawapan :

1) Masukkan benang dalam jarum

2) Bas sekolah lah, the only bas pegi sekolah

3) MILO AIS

4) Sebab kalau dia angkat dua kaki, dia jatuh sebab tulah dia angkat

sebelah aje.

5) Lampu stadium kalau ada 'game' dia pasang, tapi kalau lampu bilik ada 'game' dia padam

6) Semut yang matanya BENGKAK

7) Motorsikal......sebab dia pakai tongkat

8) Panjat pokok kelapa

9) Kambing binATANG

10) Ikan betina - ikan duyung, ikan jantan - ikan bakar, mana ada pompuan nama BAKAR

Telur Separuh Masak

Aziz dan Ani membawa anak lelaki mereka yang berusia 6 tahun ke klinik. Walaupun pada mulanya agak malu dan segan, akhirnya mereka membuka mulut juga menceritakan kebimbangan mereka tentang kemaluan anak mereka yang agak kecil berbanding kanak-kanak lain yang sebayanya.

Selepas melakukan pemeriksaan, doktor berkata,

"beri makan telur separuh masak setiap pagi. Lama-lama besarlah tu."

Besok pagi, apabila anak lelaki mereka hendak bersarapan, terkejutlah dia melihat ada 10 biji telur di meja makan.

"Telur ni untuk saya ke mak?", tanya si anak.

"Engkau makan dua biji saja. Yang lain tu untuk ayah
kau punye", kata emaknya.

Interview

Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri.

Pemuda : Baguslah ternakan biri-biri pakcik. Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik : Boleh aje...
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?"
Pemuda : Yang putih.
Pakcik : Kalau yang putih berjalan lebih kurang enam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Ah, yang putih makan lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Aaa....yang putih menghasilkan sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yg putih dgn yg hitam, padahal jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punye.
Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punye?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama.....

Cerita Pengantin Baru

Seorang lelaki bernama Baskon yang baru saja menjalani malam pertama bersama isterinya, menceritakan tentang kemuskilannya kepada seorang kawan, Abon.

"Wah, gila juga! Ternyata memang benar," ujar Baskon. "Kebiasaan yang sering kita lakukan ketika masih bujang, boleh berulang pada malam pengantin."

"Sebenarnya apa yang berlaku semalam?" si Abon ingin tahu.

"Begini. Kau kan tau kalau sewaktu bujang aku suka melanggan perempuan."

"Ho oh."

"Nah, terus malam pengantin semalam, setelah selesai melakukan hubungan, tanpa sengaja aku memberikan wang RM 100 pada isteri aku."

"Wah, gila kau!" Abon terperanjat. "Bagaimana? Isteri kau marah?"

"Itulah masalahnya," Baskon menjawap. "Dia malah memberikan pulangan wang RM 25 kat aku!"

18SX

Salmah seorang janda yang mempunyai anak perempuan tunggal bersusia 6 tahun. Sejak kematian suaminya, kehidupanya tidak terurus, makan minum pakai tidak menentu sehingga anak perempuannya tidak berbaju adakalanya.

Sedang seronok anaknya bermain pasir dengan berbogel tak pakai apa-apa , kebetulan lalu Usop seorang duda kaya di kampung itu. Dia terkejut melihat anak Salmah..

Usop : Oi budak mana baju?? ei.. tak malu… Mak mana? Nah2.. RM 20. Suruhh mak beli baju tau!!

Anak Salmah pulang dan menceritakan segalanya sambil menghulur wang RM 20. Salmah sungguh terkejut dan seronok..( ye la, tak pasal2 dapat RM 20)..

Salmah : Hmmmm kalau aku tak pakai apa apa, mesti dapat RM200..hehe.. sukanya..

Lalu Salmah menunggu Usop . Dia tidak mengenakan seurat benang ditubuhnya dengan harapan Usop akan memberinya wang yg banyak.

5 minit kemudian, Usop pun lalu..

Usop : Fuiyo magik !! Mana baju kamu? Nampak #%$% kamu tu.. Ugh tak sanggup aku tengok macam tu..

Usop pun menyeluk poketnya. Geram melihat Salmah yang tak berbaju itu.

Usop : Nah ! RM 0.20..

Salmah : Eh 20 sen je??

Usop : Cukuplah buat beli pisau cukur !!

How to Make A Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

About Jesus

Ini adalah kisah benar...ayah aku cerita kat aku dulu...

Ok..masa zaman 1950-an hingga 1960-an..kebanyakkan pegawai kerajaan terdiri daripada orang inggeris...termasuklah pegawai polis...yang pangkat rendah2 ni just orang melayu yang english tak berapa nak betul...setakat boleh yes & not macam tu aje la...

nak di jadikan cerita...ada 1 pegawai polis ni...Inspector White nak test polis2 kat balai dia...so dia panggil sarjan...dia cakap kat sarjan "I'm going out for the whole day..you have to look for the police station for me" then Inspector White pon keluar...tak sampai 5 minit sarjan panggil koperal dan cakap "aku nak keluar...kau tengok2 kan balai" selepas sarajan keluar...koperal panggil lans koperal dan cakap benda yang sama...so tinggal la lans koperal sorang2 aje yang jaga balai...ta sampai 30 minit...Inspektor White pun balik ke balai untuk tengoksiapa yang ada...dia tengok hanya ada lans koperal...
dia pun panggil lan koperal da tanya

Ins. White: Where is the sergeant?

Lan Koperal: Not in

Ins. White: Where is the corporal?

Lans Koperal: Not in

Ins. White: Jesus christ! (marah)

Lans koperal: Not in!!

Upgrading

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate

----------------------------------------------------

Reply:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.


Good Luck,
IT Support