Some Techniques for Personal Growth and Confidence Building

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed and succeed in my job.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. A complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that a conspiracy is working against me.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.

Joke For Trainers

1.

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.

He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: Many hands make light work."

2.

When presenting ideas to groups, I'm reminded of the old-time comedian, Groucho Marx, who once said, "Before I speak, I have something important to say."

3.

He decided that instead of trying to do something and failing, he would succeed at nothing.

4.

"Where did you receive your quality training?"

"Yale."

"Good, and what's your name?"

"Yim Yohnson."

5.

Instead of trying to make the Pony Express run faster, businesses need to step back from the horses and imagine the FAX machine.

6.

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

7.
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.
Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

You Might Want These Motivational Posters To Inspire You

Top 20 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment."

Stupid Jokes

1.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
" No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

2.
Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

3.
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

4.
An unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

5.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Joke For Trainers

You Know You've Been A Consultant Too Long When...

1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the McDonald's bags out of the back seat of your car.

2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is they do not have e-mail.

3. You have a "to-do" list that includes entries for bathroom breaks and lunch and they are the ones that don't usually get crossed off.

4. You refer to the dining room table as the "flat file".

5. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.

6. Your grocery list has been on the fridge so long that some of the items do not exist anymore.

7. You lecture neighborhood kids who have lemonade stands on ways to improve profits.

8. You refer to tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables".

9. You are excited when you have to work on Saturday because you can wear sweats.

10. You find you really need power point to explain to friends what it is you do.

11. You regularly eat out of vending machines and the most expensive restaurant in town in the same week.

12. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

13. You know the people at airport hotels better than you do your neighbors.

14. You ask friends to think "out of the box" when you make Friday night plans.

15. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a "matrix model".

16. You think working a "half-day" means quitting at 5 o'clock.

Condom For Cigarette

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon.

The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Sampoerna.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs.

The blonde says, "What are you doing?" 

They say, "We're saving it for later!"

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. 

The clerk says, "What size? small, medium, or large?" 

She said, "I dont know... one to fit a camel?"