l a w a k a w ak

That Make Us Even

2012-01-27T00:42:00.000-08:00

Two hillbillies were out fishing one afternoon. The First said to the second, ”Supposing’

I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was Off hunting’, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us kin?”

The second replied, “I don’t know about that, but it sure make us even.”

How a 100-years old couple make love

2012-01-27T00:40:00.000-08:00

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand parents’ house to visit her 95 years-old grand mother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm – nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “He’d still be alive today if that fucking ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Fart

2012-01-27T00:36:00.000-08:00

A man walked into a car dealership and spotted the car of his dreams. He walked over to inspect it. As he bent to feel the fine leather upholstery, he broke wind.

Embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone was nearby.

A salesman approached and said, “Good day, sir, how may I help you today?”

The man asked, “what’s the price of this car?”

The salesman answered, “Frankly, sir I’d rather not say.”

He said, “Why not?”

The salesman said, “If you farted just touching it, you’re going to shit when you hear the price.”

Climax In Bed

2012-01-27T00:28:00.001-08:00

A wife went to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doc. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out his earsplitting yell.”

“ My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up."

Kissed A Nun

2012-01-27T00:27:00.000-08:00

A cabdriver picked up a nun. When she got into the cab, the driver couldn’t stop staring at her. “I have to ask you a question,” he said, “and I hope you won’t be offended.”

“My son,” the nun said, “I’ve seen too much of the world to be offended by anything you might say. What is your question?”

“Well,” he said, “I’ve always had a fantasy of being kissed by a nun.”

The nun smiles and said, “I’ll grant your wish on two conditions. First, you must be single, and second, you must be a catholic.”

The cabdriver became very exited and said. Yes I’m single and I am catholic.”

“Okay,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they got back on the street. The cabdriver began to cry.

“My dear,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me,” the cabdriver said. “I lied. I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun replied, ‘That’s okay. My name is Kevin, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Heating Your Dinner

2012-01-16T23:03:00.001-08:00

Mata Duitan

2011-11-04T01:58:00.001-07:00

Playboy Jokes

2011-11-04T01:27:00.001-07:00

Playboy Jokes

2011-11-04T01:26:00.000-07:00

Working With Idiots Can Kill You

2011-10-08T09:55:00.001-07:00

STOCKHOLM -- Idiots in the office are just as hazardous to your health as cigarettes, caffeine or greasy food, an eye-opening new study reveals. In fact, those dopes can kill you!

Stress is one of the top causes of heart attacks -- and working with stupid people on a daily basis is one of the deadliest forms of stress, according to researchers at Sweden's Lindbergh University Medical Center.

The author of the study, Dr. Dagmar Andersson, says her team studied 500 heart attack patients, and were puzzled to find 62 percent had relatively few of the physical risk factors commonly blamed for heart attacks.

"Then we questioned them about lifestyle habits, and almost all of these low-risk patients told us they worked with people so stupid they can barely find their way from the parking lot to their office. And their heart attack came less than 12 hours after having a major confrontation with one of these oafs.

"One woman had to be rushed to the hospital after her assistant shredded important company tax documents instead of copying them. A man told us he collapsed right at his desk because the woman at the next cubicle kept asking him for correction fluid -- for her computer monitor.

"You can cut back on smoking or improve your diet," Dr. Andersson says, "but most people have very poor coping skills when it comes to stupidity -- they feel there's nothing they can do about it, so they just internalize their frustration until they finally explode."

Stupid co-workers can also double or triple someone's work load, she explains. "Many of our subjects feel sorry for the drooling idiots they work with, so they try to cover for them by fixing their mistakes. One poor woman spent a week rebuilding client records because a clerk put them all in the 'recycle bin' of her computer and then emptied it -- she thought it meant the records would be recycled and used again."

HOW TO SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL

2011-10-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

You can have power, wealth, an attractive mate and virtually anything else you ever dreamed of – by selling your soul to Satan! But how?

You must know what you’re doing when you make the deal or Satan will cheat you blind. That’s the word from Dr. Rex Touth, expert on satanic rituals and author of How to Negotiate Unholy Contracts.

Dr. Touth cites cases dating all the way back to the 16th century in which humans have agreed to spend eternity in Hell when they die in exchange for earthly pleasures while they’re alive.

“Human history and world literature are teeming with stories like that of Germany’s Dr. Faustus who sold his soul,” says Dr. Touth. “Our own American statesman Daniel Webster once debated Satan in a landmark soul-selling case in which he renegotiated the contract and had it overturned.

“Thousands have gained riches and fulfilled their fantasies.”

Here are some tips from Dr. Touth on how you can take advantage of the same opportunity:

SET THE DEAL UP PROPERLY. There’s a right and wrong way to make contact with the Devil. The right way is to be alone in your room, close your eyes and say, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” It may take dozens, even hundreds of tries but at all costs, avoid sounding desperate or needy. He’ll show up eventually.

DEAL FROM A POSITION OF POWER. By far the biggest mistake people make is to underestimate how badly Satan wants their soul. It’s like precious gold to him and he’ll pay anything to get it. When he appears, get him to make the first offer, then up it.

GET THE ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember, you’re going to burn in Hell forever. So no matter how badly off you are now, demand the best. For instance, even if you feel unlovable and desperate with loneliness, don’t just say, “I want the most gorgeous woman on earth and I want her to be madly in love with me.” Instead, add, “In fact, throw in 100 other women as well so I can pick and choose according to my mood.”

REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee of 300 years of youthful life before you go to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 75 or 80 years of reckless living when you can get 300?

Religious groups worldwide are trying to ban Dr. Touth’s book. “This kind of trash is spiritual dynamite,” says a spokesman for the North American Council of Churches and Synogogues. “We can’t, in good conscience, let people read how to destroy their almighty souls.”

But Dr. Touth says we should all be aware of the facts so we can make an informed decision. “It’s your soul,” he says. “Do what you want with it.”

What would you sell your soul for?

Power ?

Money ?

Love ?

Revenge ?

I would never sell my soul...

Cheating

2011-03-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied, "Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

3.
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

4.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Idea for FB Status

2011-03-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

Do you ever just look at someone and “why” is the only thing you can come up with?

I chose the road less traveled. Now…where the heck am I?

I turn down my radio to park my car.

I’d mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting.

I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.

There are only two levels in lion taming – “expert” and “cat food”.

10.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

11.

I like to sugarcoat my words because I know I’m gonna to end up eating them.

12.

Say no, then negotiate.

13.

Opinions are indeed like butts, some are just bigger than others.

14.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

15.

I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.

Q & A

2011-03-18T02:25:00.001-07:00

Questions

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sidney dead on the floor. Who is Slidney? How did Sidney die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

************************************************

Answers

1. The word "incorrectly."

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Sidney is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sidney.}

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

Idiots

2011-03-18T02:12:00.000-07:00

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room.

When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Tech Support : "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Individual : "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Individual: How do you spell that?

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Interesting Reading

2011-03-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

Q : If you could live forever, would you and why?

A : "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

10.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

11.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

-- A congressional candidate in Texas

12.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

-- John Wayne

13.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

14.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

15.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

16.

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."

-- former governor of California, Gerry Brown

17.

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

-- George Bush, US President

18.

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."

-- George Bush, US President

19.

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."

-- Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

20.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

-- Lee Iacocca

21.

"Please provide the date of your death."

-- from an IRS letter

22.

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."

-- Richard Nixon, US President

23.

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

24.

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."

-- Parish Magazine

25.

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."

-- Bill Peterson, football coach

26.

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."

-- Dan Quayle, US VP

27.

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."

-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

28.

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."

-- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

29.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

30.

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

-- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

31.

"I've read about foreign policy and studied - I know the number of continents."

-- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

32.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

-- Dan Quayle

What Is Marketing ?

2011-03-18T01:37:00.000-07:00

If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying

"Circus Coming to Puchong Saturday,"

that's advertising.

If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk him into town,

that's promotion.

If the elephant walks through the Mayor's flower bed,

that's publicity.

If you can get the Mayor to laugh about it,

that's public relations.

And if you planned the elephant's walk,

that's marketing.

Quotes For Today

2011-03-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

10.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

11.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

12.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

13.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

14.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

15.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

16.

Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

17.

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

18.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

19.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20.

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? Think about it...

21.

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

22.

A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad.

Great Quotes

2011-03-18T01:15:00.000-07:00

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

-- Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

-- Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

-- George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

-- Carol Leifer

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

-- Dave Edison

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

-- Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

-- Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

-- John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

-- Jeff Stilson

10.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

-- Jerry Seinfeld

11.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

-- Lily Tomlin

Some Techniques for Personal Growth and Confidence Building

2011-03-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed and succeed in my job.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. A complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that a conspiracy is working against me.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.

Joke For Trainers

2011-03-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.

He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: Many hands make light work."

When presenting ideas to groups, I'm reminded of the old-time comedian, Groucho Marx, who once said, "Before I speak, I have something important to say."

He decided that instead of trying to do something and failing, he would succeed at nothing.

"Where did you receive your quality training?"

"Yale."

"Good, and what's your name?"

"Yim Yohnson."

Instead of trying to make the Pony Express run faster, businesses need to step back from the horses and imagine the FAX machine.

6.

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words."

"And, sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

7.
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.
Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

2011-03-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

You Might Want These Motivational Posters To Inspire You

2011-03-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

Top 20 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment."

Stupid Jokes

2011-03-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

1.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
" No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

2.
Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

3.
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

4.
An unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

5.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Joke For Trainers

2011-03-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

You Know You've Been A Consultant Too Long When...

1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the McDonald's bags out of the back seat of your car.

2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is they do not have e-mail.

3. You have a "to-do" list that includes entries for bathroom breaks and lunch and they are the ones that don't usually get crossed off.

4. You refer to the dining room table as the "flat file".

5. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.

6. Your grocery list has been on the fridge so long that some of the items do not exist anymore.

7. You lecture neighborhood kids who have lemonade stands on ways to improve profits.

8. You refer to tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables".

9. You are excited when you have to work on Saturday because you can wear sweats.

10. You find you really need power point to explain to friends what it is you do.

11. You regularly eat out of vending machines and the most expensive restaurant in town in the same week.

12. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

13. You know the people at airport hotels better than you do your neighbors.

14. You ask friends to think "out of the box" when you make Friday night plans.

15. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a "matrix model".

16. You think working a "half-day" means quitting at 5 o'clock.

Condom For Cigarette

2011-03-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon.

The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Sampoerna.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs.

The blonde says, "What are you doing?"

They say, "We're saving it for later!"

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom.

The clerk says, "What size? small, medium, or large?"

She said, "I dont know... one to fit a camel?"

Unfaithful Wives

2011-03-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

Kenny and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Kenny says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Dating vs Marriage

2011-03-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

When you are dating, farting is never an issue.

When you are married, you make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating, he takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married, he brings home a 6 pack, and says, "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating, he holds your hand in public.

When you are married, he flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating, a Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married, a King size bed feels like an army cot.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener

2011-03-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

1.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

2.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft

3.
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby

4.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

5.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin

6.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

7.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

8.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

9.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

10.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

11.
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler

12.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

13.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

15.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

16.
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

17.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-- James Holt McGavran

18.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.

"Sorry, I Fart Again !"

2011-03-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

1.
There are 3 singers singing in a pub. Shaggy, Craig David and Britney Spears.

Somebody farted and Shaggy goes
IT WASNT ME

Craig David said
I'M WALKING AWAY

and Britney Spears said
OOPS I DID IT AGAIN !

And the next day somebody farted agin and Shaggy said
IT WASNT ME

Craig David said
I'M WALKING AWAY

and Britney Spears said
STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!!!!

2.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

3.
One day, a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.
After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'

4.
MOM
Come on Jackson, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.

JACKSON
Ahh mum do I have to ? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.

MOM
Yes you do.

JACKSON
Give me a good reason

MOM
You're 35 and your the Principal!

Daughter Jokes

2011-03-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

A mother advice to daughter :
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The following is a (supposedly) true story, as seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel:

The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a surprise game show. She idolized teen-age pop star Ricky Martin, and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise.

However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate - at this stage the live TV audience is wondering, "What the hell is going on?"

She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).

As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favorite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience! Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.

A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: M&M's. (M&M - Milk Chocolate, 56 oz bag)
Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. (Campbell Chunky Soup)
Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford. (Ford Racing T-shirt)
The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."

Little April

2011-03-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Jackson, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Jackson came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

And again, Jackson jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The Teacher fainted.

Happy Birthday

2011-03-15T00:55:00.000-07:00

1.
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.
'What's the matter?' she asked.
'It's my birthday!' he hollered.
'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.

'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."

"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."

"Well, today is his birthday."

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

4.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”
He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

Q : When is your birthday?
A : 20th October.
Q : What year?
A : Every year!

6.
Faizah : Mum, do you know what I m going to give you for your birthday?
Mum : No, dear, what ?
Faizah : A nice teapot.
Mum : But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Faizah : No you haven t. I’ve just dropped it.

Get Your Birthday Present Here

The 'Man of the House'

2011-03-14T03:38:00.000-07:00

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'.

What A 'Lovely' Couple...

2011-03-14T03:34:00.000-07:00

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

Marriage Maths

2011-03-14T03:25:00.000-07:00

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A Man Will Smile...

2011-03-14T03:21:00.000-07:00

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

4.
'I never know how much of what I say is true.' Bette Midler

5.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

6.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

7.
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. Margo Kaufman

8.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

9.
There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. Alice Thomas Ellis

10.
'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead

Just Joking

2011-03-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

When A Surgeon And An Anesthesiologist Have A One Night Stand

2011-03-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

1.
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman.

"You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"

"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised.

"How did you know?"

The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

2.
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'

3.
Iris is a long distance lorry driver. She decided to get a dog for protection for the long days and nights that she was away from home. As she studied a likely candidate, the breeder told her, 'I must warn you that he doesn't like men.'
'Perfect', Iris thought and promptly bought the dog.
Some time later as she was leaving a transport café, two men approached her, in the car park, and Iris watched to see how her new 'bodyguard' would react. It soon became clear that the breeder hadn't been joking, because as the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car and hid.

4.
Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.

5.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Men Are Like ....

2011-03-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

1. Men are like.....Laxatives.

They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like......Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like.....Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.


4. Men are like.....Bank Machines.

Once they withdraw they lose interest.


5. Men are like.....Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.


6. Men are like.....Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

7. Men are like.....Cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.


8. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for  your hips.


9. Men are like.....Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep  you up all night long.


10. Men are like.....Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.


11. Men are like.....Department Stores.

Their clothes should always be half off.


12. Men are like.....Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.


13. Men are like.....Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.


14. Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.

If you're not pushing one around, then you're  riding it.


15. Men are like.....Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


16. Men are like.....Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

17. Men are like.....Snowstorms.

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how
long he will last.

 GET THESE SHOES NOW

A Lady Will Smile After Reading This...

2011-03-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

1. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?

- Big Foot's been spotted several times.

2. What's the smartest thing a man can say?

- "My wife says...."

3. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

- So men can understand them.

4. Why did God create man before woman?

- Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

5. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

- To stop the snoring before it starts.

6. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

- To keep them from grazing.

7. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

- Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

8. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

9. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

GET YOUR BEST SHOES HERE

A Woman Will Smile ...

2011-03-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

1. What do you call a handcuffed man?

- Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

- Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women?

- Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?

- They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

6. How can you tell when a man is well hung?

- When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

7. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

- We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

8. How do men exercise on the beach?

- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

9. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

- Make him wear shoes.

10. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

11. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

- All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

12. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

13. What did God say after creating man?

- I can do so much better.

14. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

- Any place without a drive-up window.

15. What do you call a man with half a brain?

- Gifted.

16. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

- When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

17. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

- Exchange him.

18. What should you give a man who has everything?

- A woman to show him how to work it.

19. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

- Telling you his real name.

20. What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

- Put the remote control between his toes.

GET YOUR BEST DRESS HERE

So You Want to Sell Condom ?

2011-03-10T02:32:00.000-08:00

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

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Vibrating Jokes

2011-03-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started

to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

A girl says to a salesman, “I need some batteries for my vibrator.”

He motions with his finger, “Come this way…”

She says, “If I could come that way I wouldn’t need a vibrator.”

What do vibrators and soybeans have in common? They are both meat substitutes!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I dont know why youre shaking...shes gonna EAT me!"

One afternoon, this old lady walked into an adult shop, all trembling and shaky, looking for something. Finally, she walked up to the store attendant, who looks at her curiously.

"Yyyoungggg mannnnn, dooo you seelllll viibrattoors heeeeere???" asked the woman.

Yes, ma'am. We do sell vibrators," answered the man, with a big grin on his face. "Do you want to buy one?"

"Heh-heh-hhellllll nnnnnnooo, younggg mmmmmaaaan. I jussssssst waaannnttt ttttooo knnoww hhhhooooww yyooouu tuuuuurn itttt offfff!!!!" replied the woman.

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Dirty Dirtier Dirtiest

2011-01-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

1.
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

2.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

3.
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!".
The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."
The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

4.
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.
She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".
The guy's like, "Ok!".
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.
"I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

5.
There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

7.
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Playboy Jokes

2011-01-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."

"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" she snapped.

"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

A 97-year-old prostitute got herself listed in the yellow pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book.

What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives?

In the Library of Congress you are not allowed to lick the pages.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines Xbox as your former girlfriend's pussy.

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" a suspicious wife asked her husband.

"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients."

But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality. "You are a sick bastard," it whispered, "and a terrible veterinarian."

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his siblings, a man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were adopted, son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out, and they brought you back."

Playboy Jokes

2010-12-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

1.
Political speeches are like a steer: a point here, a point there and a lot of bull in between.

2.
A woman was having sex with her husband’s best friend when the telephone rang and her husband’s mobile number appeared on the caller ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of the bed and began to dress in a hurry.
“Relax,” she said after she hung up the phone.
“He was just calling to tell me that he’ll be home late because he’s out bowling with you.”

3.
How is air like sex? It’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

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4.
A man passed away and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover the expense of an elaborate funeral he wished to be held in his honor. As the last guests were leaving the service, a close family friend asked the man’s
widow how much of the money she had used for the funeral.
“All of it,” the widow said.
“I spent the whole $30,000.”
“Oh,” exclaimed the friend. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone,” the widow explained.
The friend quickly computed the total and was stunned. “You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it?” the friend asked.
“Two and a half carats,” the widow replied.

5.
One night, while a man and his girlfriend were having hot and heavy sex, the girlfriend started to scream and squirm as she never had before.
“You know you were screwing me in the ass, don’t you?” she yelled.
“Actually,” her boyfriend admitted, “I wasn’t quite sure.”
“Then why didn’t you stop and find out?” she asked.
“Well,” he said, “you know how much men hate to stop and ask for directions.”

6.
A couple wanted to be adventurous, so one night they wandered into the woods near their house to have sex. After about 15 minutes the man stopped and said,
“Damn, I wish I had brought a flashlight—I can’t see a thing.”
“I wish you had brought one too,” his girlfriend replied. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”

7.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had just gotten two new dogs. “What did you name them?” the girl asked her friend.
The blonde said, “One is named Rolex and the other is named Timex.”
“Those are unusual names,” her friend said.
“How did you come up with them?”
“Well, duh,” the blonde replied, “they’re watchdogs.”

8.
One day a young boy walked into his parents’bedroom and discovered his father sitting on the side of the bed, sliding on a condom.
In an attempt to hide his erection and the rubber on it, the father bent over and pretended to be looking for something under the bed.
“What are you doing, Dad?” the boy asked.
“Oh,” the father replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Surprised, the boy said, “What are you going to do, fuck it?”

9.
One day a new patient walked into a doctor’s office and said,
“Doctor, I have an unusual problem. I have five penises.”
“Well,” the doctor said, looking skeptical, “if that’s the case, then how do your pants fit?”
The man replied, “Like a glove.”

2010-12-09T19:43:00.001-08:00

Virginity is like a balloon ; one prick and it's gone.

2010-12-08T01:11:00.001-08:00

searching for good coverage

2010-12-08T00:12:00.000-08:00

3 kereta

2010-11-26T00:58:00.000-08:00

Pada suatu malam yang hening dan sunyi di lebuhraya utara selatan kelihatan sebuah kelisa putih tersadai di sebelah lane kerosakan. Ada orang tua yang berdiri disebelahnya,pemilik kelisa tu sedang berjalan kehulu kehilir cuba menahan kereta supaya membantu.tidak ada sebuah kereta pun berhenti.tiba-tiba datangla sebuah kereta evo10 berhenti di sebelah kelisa tadi.

"Ada apa nie pakcik,kereta rosak ke?"tanya pemuda berusia dalam lingkungan 20an."a'ha rosak "jawap pakcik tu simple aje....

"Ok,cam nie,saya ada tali nanti saya ikat kat kereta saya dan saya tarik kereta pakcik sampai tol"mamat nie bagi idea.

"worrait gak tu...", tapi....nanti kalau pakcik rasa awak bawak laju pakcik akan hon dan bagi high beam"

"Ok pakcik"..mamat nie pun ikatlah tali kat kereta kelisa didepan dan hujungnya diikat dibelakang bumper evonye.
dia pun jalanla..dengan slow dan berhati-hati. Dalam lima kilometer mamat nie laju le sikit,apalagi pakcik tu pun hon dan bagi high beam la kat mamat tu.Mamat tu pun slowkan balik..

Tiba-tiba ada sebuah ferrari datang dari belakang dan press minyak kat mamat evo10.apa lagi,jiwa muda patang dicabar, dia pun tekan la minyak rapat nak kejar ferrari nie...lupa la pulak dia dengan kelisa org tua yg diikat kat belakang kereta dia.

Orang tua tu punya la hangin satu badan,dia pun hon dan bagi hi beam bagai nak rak.Mamat evo10 tu dah tak sedar dah angin punya pasal.
Kebetulan pilak polis ada buat speed trap kat bawah jambatan.

Vrooommm......bedesup peginye... ini dah lebih speed limit nie...kate polis nie..cecah 250kmj memasing nie... Dia pun contact la kengkawan dia kat depan supaya saman kereta-kereta yg laju nie...

"Over..over,ada tiga buah kenderaan memandu melebihi had laju,sebuah ferrari,sebuah evo10 dan sebuah lagi kalau aku cakap korang mesti tak percaye punye.........sebuah kelisa biru tengah cucuk angin evo10 tu dan bagi hon dan hi beam nak potong!!!"

Top 10 Countries Without Military Forces

2010-11-26T00:38:00.000-08:00

As said by famous French statesman George Clemenceau, “War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military,” and even today, his statement still stands true. While most countries have large military forces that are able to deploy and protect at any given time (the largest and most notable being China, at about 1,600,000 army personnel), some countries have no military at all.

Below is a list of ten countries that have no set military forces, each of them with varying reasons why; some because of the country’s history other because of its location. While many people believe that a military force is a necessity, there are countries that see or have no need for them; however, in many cases, there is a back-up plan in the case that the country is attacked or war is declared upon that country.

10. Solomon Islands

The Solomon Islands, surprisingly, is not made up of just a few islands, but totals ranging in the thousands. Ever since the U.K. became the country’s protectorate in 1893, the country hasn’t had much of a military defense. During WWII the country did have the British Solomon Islands Protectorate Defense Force. Then, in 1976 the Solomon Islands were able to establish a government that was stable up until about 1998. During 1998-2006, the country was plagued with misconduct within the government, crime, and ethnic conflict. To properly resolve these issues, New Zealand and Australia both stepped in to restore peace and eventually disarm. Today the country internally has the Solomon Islands Police Force.

So who’s the protector?

There is no set protector of the Solomon Islands; however, the country had paid Australia for certain defense items. If a war were to ever be declared upon the islands, Australia would probably be one of the first countries to provide a defense. (Image: “Captain Warren Frederick Martin Clemens, British Solomon Islands Protectorate Defense Force (BSIPDF), with six members of the BSIPDF Scouts,” www.leatherneck.com.)

9. Costa Rica

Though the country did once have an army, today, Costa Rica stands as one of many countries without a formal standing army. On December 1, 1948, José Figueres Ferrer, president at the time, signed legislation that would abolish the military after the fatal Costa Rican civil war that killed almost 2,000 people. To properly represent this abolishment, the president himself was able to break a wall of the Cuartel Bellavista, which was once an army headquarters location. Today the country has the Fuerza Pública which provides law enforcement, ground security, border patrol, and many other common duties held by a police force.

So who’s the protector?

Thanks to the Inter-American Treaty of Reciprocal Assistance of 1947, if any country were to ever attack or declare war upon Costa Rica, the country can depend on 21 other countries, including the U.S., Chile, and Cuba to provide some sort of military force to provide defense. The treaty stands that if any of the signed countries were attacked, those other countries would be looked upon to help provide some sort of military defense.

8. Samoa

Today, Samoa has no set military force that could be used if ever necessary. Instead, the country would have to rely on outside friendships with other countries to find protection and defense in wartime. The country does have a Samoa Police Force, but of course, this is definitely not considered to be a military force for the entire country.

So who’s the protector?

Samoa has a friendship treaty with New Zealand, made in 1962. In the event of a war or other foreign invasion, Samoa can call upon New Zealand for any sort of necessary military aid. However the agreement does state that either country can pull out of the treaty at any time if wanted.

7. Palau

Despite the lack of a national military force, Palau does have a Palau National Police section that was created to provide the necessary protection for civilians. Like most police forces, the Palau National Police force is needed to keep the peace and attend to any internal unrest that may occur. If war were to ever arise, Palau would have to reach out for help from other countries to provide some sort of defense system.

So who’s the protector?

Standing as an associated state, Palau will be protected by the U.S. in the event that the country is attacked or if another country decides that war with Palau is a must. This is because of the Compact of Free Association of 1983 that basically made the U.S. the protectorate of Palau.

6. Andorra

Despite not ever having a true organized military, the tiny country of Andorra was bold enough to declare war on Germany in 1914 and join the so called Great War. With a 10-man strong army, the country did not do much and was not taken seriously. Even though the country did officially pick sides, Andorra was not invited to the Versailles Peace Treaty negotiations. In 1931 the group of men roughly called an army was replaced by the Andorran National Police. This group, made up of about 240 men, was created to help keep the peace and is even trained to provide hostage rescue. Joining the police force is a must if you’re a man who owns a firearm.

So who’s the protector?

Andorra has not one, not two, but three protectors. France and Spain have both pledged to be the militaristic protectors of the 181 sq mi. country because of its location (landlocked). In fact in 1933, France militaristic force was needed to help settle civil unrest in the country. Besides these two countries, NATO forces would also take part in protecting the country if ever necessary.

5. Grenada

Ever since the American-led invasion of Grenada, the country has not been able to establish a standing army. The invasion was mostly started because of a military coup and a power struggle within the government that led to the execution of the Grenadian Prime Minister, Maurice Bishop. Because of this invasion which successfully turned a communist state back into a democratic nation, the country does not have a standing army, but relies on the Royal Grenada Police Force as well as the Regional Security System.

So who’s the protector?

There is no set country that is set out to protect Grenada with a military force. Because of the Regional Security System, the country can look to Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Dominica, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, and Saint Vincent and the Grenadines for some sort of military support; however, most of these countries do not have a big enough defense system to be of great assistance. It seems that inevitably the U.S. would run to the rescue.

4. Marshall Islands

Under the Compact of Free Association of 1983, the Marshall Islands was granted the status of a sovereign nation. Also involved in the pact is the Federated States of Micronesia and Palau. Under this agreement, the three countries would be free, but would stand as associated states to the U.S. This means that the U.S. will serve as the protectorate and that the Marshall Islands would have no regular military force, or any sort of responsibility for the country’s defense during wartime. The country created the Marshall Islands Police to carry out common police duties within the country.

So who’s the protector?

Since the Marshall Islands are considered to be an associated state to the U.S., the U.S. is fully responsible for the country’s defense and security. If the islands were ever attacked, the U.S. would have to provide the necessary military support to assist in the war.

3. Liechtenstein

Like a few others on the list, Liechtenstein is another country that decided to completely abolish its standing army. Liechtenstein got rid of its army in 1868 after the Austro-Prussian War because it was said to be too expensive for the country to afford. After the country was freed from the German Confederation, it was obligated to maintain its own army, but the funding just wasn’t available. However, to keep peace within the country, there is a police force known as the Principality of Liechtenstein National Police.

So who’s the protector?

There is no set country that would have to defend Liechtenstein in the event of a war or some other sort of attack. It is said that the country is allowed to rally up an army in the case of a war, but this army would probably be futile and help from Switzerland just might come. There have been talks of Switzerland being responsible for Liechtenstein’s defense, but neither country have proven or denied this claim. (Image: www.landespolizei.li.)

2. Nauru

Nauru, known as the smallest island country in the world at just 8.1 sq miles is definitely unique in many ways, though like plenty others on the list, has no set standing army or any other type of military force. The country, possibly due to its size, doesn’t even have a capital. Though extremely small, the country does have a Nauru Police Force that is utilized to ensure that the country is able to maintain stability. Located in a group of thousands of small islands called Micronesia, the country is heavily relied upon for its readily accessible phosphate. Today the country keeps close contact with nearby Australia and other Micronesia islands.

So who’s the protector?

It is said that through an informal agreement made between Nauru and Australia that Australia would supply militaristic needs or basic country defense. In fact, in December 1940 when Germany attacked Nauru, the Australian Navy was called upon to defend the country as necessary.

1. Vatican City

Named the smallest country in the world, Vatican City, unsurprisingly, is a country that does not have a de jure military; however, this hasn’t always been the case. In the past, there were numerous militaristic groups that were created to protect the country and most importantly the Pope. Notably the Noble Guard and the Palatine Guard did exist, but Pope Paul VI abolished both groups in 1970. Today, Vatican City’s best example of a militaristic force would be the Pontifical Swiss Guard. This group is meant to protect the Pope as well as the Palace of the Vatican. There is also the Gendarmerie Corps, but this group is considered to be a civilian force rather than military. They are responsible for keeping public order, traffic control, border control, and investigating criminal activity.

So who’s the protector?

Well, since Vatican City is located in Rome, Italy is fully responsible for protecting the tiny country within its own country’s capital. Italy has an organized armed force of about 186,798 men and women with 109,703 personnel in the Army and 43,882 in the Navy. The country also has an Air Force that can provide protection as needed.

Playboy Jokes

2010-11-26T00:20:00.000-08:00

1.
As a group of people boarded a packed hotel elevator, a man was pushed to the ear corner. Unable to reach the panel of buttons, he called out, “Ballroom, please.”
“I’m sorry,” the woman in front of him said. “I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

2.
Three men were sitting around discussing women, and one said to the others, “I enjoy looking at a woman’s tits the most.”
“Personally I’d rather look at a woman’s ass,” the second man replied. “How about you?” he asked, turning to the third man.
“Me?” the man said. “I prefer to see the top of a woman’s head.”

3.
A surly man walked into a bar, ordered a beer,chugged it, gestured to the right side of the room and bellowed,
“All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!”
The entire bar fell silent. After a moment the man said, “Anyone here got a problem with what I said?”
Everyone remained quiet, so the man ordered another beer, took a swig, gestured to his left and added, “And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!”
Once again the bar fell silent. The man looked around and roared, “Anyone got a problem with that?”
A lone man got up from his stool unsteadily and started to walk toward the man.
The belligerent man looked him in the eye and said, “You got a problem, buddy?”
“Oh no,” the man replied. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

4.
A huge man was getting married to a very petite woman, and at their wedding one of the man’s friends asked him how the two managed to have sex, given the extreme difference in their sizes.
“Well,” the large man replied, “I sit on a chair and she sits facing me on my lap, and then I just bob her up and down.”
“You know, that doesn’t sound too bad,” the friend said.
“It’s great,” the man replied. “It’s kind of like jerking off, only I have somebody to talk to.”

5.
The perfect husband is a man who regularly makes his wife’s panties wet. He does the laundry every week. Around dusk a patrolman started making his
evening rounds and discovered two elderly ladies sitting in a vehicle in the lot of a used-car dealership. He stopped and asked what they were doing.
“You ladies aren’t trying to steal this car, are you?” the officer asked.
“Heavens no,” one of the women answered.
“We bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it home?” the officer said.
“Neither one of us can drive,” the other woman replied.
“Then why on earth did you buy a car?” the officer asked.
“Well,” the first woman replied, “we were told we would get screwed if we bought a used car, so now we’re just waiting.”

6.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: There is an engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering.

7.
One morning a man opened his newspaper and was stunned to see his own death notice in the obituary column. Horrified, he immediately called his best friend.
“Have you seen today’s paper?” he asked his friend. “It says I died!”
“Yes, I saw it,” his friend replied. “So where are you calling from?”

8.
A recent study of men’s sleeping habits found that three percent of men wake up in the middle of the night to urinate, two percent get up to raid the fridge and 50 percent get up to go home.

TERKANGKANG

2010-08-09T02:10:00.001-07:00

Dua pelajar Kolej Perubatan bersiar siar kat bandar. Mereka terserempak dengan seorang tua jalan terkangkang- kangkang.

Pelajar A kata "Orang tua tu tentu mengidap Sindrom Petry" Pelajar B pulak kata " Tak lah, dia mengidap Sindrom Zovitzki" Mereka hampir bergaduh pasal hal ni. Akhirnya pelajar A kata "Apa kata kita tanya je orang tua tu?" Pelajar B pun setuju. Mereka pun menghampiri orang tua itu.

Pelajar A: Kami tengok pak cik jalan terkangkang, boleh kami tahu pak cik mengidap penyakit apa?

Orang Tua: Kamu fikir aku ada penyakit apa?

Pelajar A: Saya fikir pak cik mengidap sindrom petry.

Orang Tua: Emm... bukan.

Pelajar B: Kalau macam tu, pak cik mesti mengidap sindrom Zovitzki.

Orang Tua: ...pun bukan.

Pelajar A: Habis tu?

Orang Tua: Emm, sebenarnya aku nak kentut tadi... tapi terberak pulak dalam seluar... sebab tu la aku jalan terkangkang.

Uniform

2010-08-09T02:09:00.001-07:00

Hari pertama Chot kerja jadi Pak Guard, dia dapat tangkap 2 org staf sebab melakukan sex di dalam pejabat.

Chot: Aha! Ini dah menyalahi undang-undang syarikat!

Lelaki: Undang-undang apa?

Chot: Tak pakai uniform!.

Monyet Terbuang

2010-08-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

Di suatu kaunter pandu bayar, sebuah kereta didapati masuk untuk membuat pembayaran bil..

Setelah selesai urusan pembayaran, cashier itu terpandang ke belakang kereta dan ternampak seekor monyet sedang duduk disitu.

Melihat cashier itu kehairanan, pemandu itu berkata,"Saya bertemu dengannya di tepi jalan. kerana kesihan saya mengambilnya. .. err.. cik ada idea apa yang perlu saya buat?"

Cashier itu berkata sambil tersenyum,"Ya! saya rasa baik encik membawanya ke Zoo"

Pemandu itu tersenyum dan berkata,"Betul juga.. Mengapa saya tidak terfikir sejauh itu?"

Beberapa bulan selepas itu...di tempat yang sama cashier itu bertemu lagi dengan pemandu itu. Alangkah terkejutnya dia kerana mendapati monyet itu masih berada di belakang kereta itu.

"Saya ingat encik sudah membawanya ke Zoo" katanya.

Pemandu itu terus menjawab, "Ya.. Saya telah membawanya ke Zoo dan setelah kami puas berjalan-jalan. . saya merancang ingin bawanya ke pantai pula".

Missing Wife

2010-08-09T01:57:00.000-07:00

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

Mengeluh

2010-08-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

Keluhan seorang SUAMI:

Subuh, mandi nak pergi kerja.
Pagi, naik kereta pergi kerja.
Tengahari, tak payah kerja.
Petang, balik kerja.
Maghrib, tak ada kerja.
Malam, tanya bini bole kerja.
Bangun pagi, penat malam tadi kerja.
Tak sudah-sudah dengan kerja.

Keluhan seorang ISTERI:

Subuh basuh kain.
Pagi sidai kain.
Tengahari angkat kain.
Petang lipat kain.
Maghrib susun kain.
Malam BUKA KAIN.
Bangun pagi, hilang kain.
Tak sudah-sudah dengan kain

Husband V/S Wife

2010-08-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

1.
Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

2.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday.

3.
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

4.
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

5.
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

6.
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

7.
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

8.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, :You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.:

2010-06-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

(1)
To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!!

(2)
A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in monthly installment.'

(3)
Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'

(4)
The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know
what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'

(5)
4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.

(6)
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

(7)
Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!

(8)
A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'

(9)
At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.

(10)
What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time.
Not 1 inch 7 times.'

(11)
The vagina is the world's best rehabilatation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

(12)
A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattoed on his dick.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'

(13)
Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'

Arab student sends an e-mail

2010-06-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

---------------------------------------------------
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Military Time

2010-06-10T00:18:00.001-07:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Jeles

2010-06-09T23:44:00.001-07:00

Seorang isteri ingin menghubungi suaminya, tetapi telefonnya tidak berkredit lalu menyuruh anak lelakinya menyampaikan mesej penting kepada si suami yang sedang bekerja di site.

Selepes si anak membuat panggilan, si anak memberitahu ibunya seorang perempuan lain yang menjawab pesanan telefon. Walaupun sudah berkali-kali si anak menelefon, tetap perempuan itu juga yang menjawab.

Si isteri pun dengan marahnya menunggu kepulangan suami dari kerja di depan pintu rumah. Sesampainya suami, si isteri membelasah habis-habisan si suami kerana perlakuan curangnya.

Habis berkumpul jiran tetangga di depan rumah untuk melihat drama petang itu. Si isteri menyuruh anaknya memberitahu semua orang apa yang dikatakan oleh perempuan di talian tadi.

Si anak pun cakap "Harap maaf, nombor yang anda dail berada di luar kawasan liputan. Sila cuba sebentar lagi".

Temuduga

2010-06-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

Seorang CEO ingin mencari eksekutif baru dalam syarikatnya. Dari beribu permohonan, hanya empat yang betul-betul menarik perhatiannya.

Bagaimanapun beliau tidak dapat memilih antara keempat-empat orang calon tersebut, lantas memanggil kesemuanya untuk ditemuduga (beliau tidak sekaya Donald Trump untuk menganjurkan temuduga seperti The Apprentice).

Setelah keempat-empat calon berada di hadapan beliau, CEO tadi pun mula berkata " Saya ada satu soalan yang mungkin memberi jawapan berbeza, calon yang memberikan jawapan terbaik akan diterima untuk bekerja di sini".

"Soalannya adalah apakah perkara atau benda yang paling pantas sekali?" tanya CEO tersebut.

Calon pertama berkata " FIKIRAN , kerana kadang ianya datang sendiri tanpa kita sedari "

"Bagus, satu jawapan yang baik " kata CEO tadi.

"Kamu pula ? " tanya nya kepada calon kedua.

"KELIP MATA, kerana tanpa kita sedari, sebelum sempat kita buat apa pun, mata kita dah berkelip " jawab calon kedua.

"Satu jawapan yang sangat baik , lagipun perumpamaan melayu pun ada sebut SEKELIP MATA melambangkan kepantasan " kata CEO itu.

"Bagaimana kamu pula? " tanya CEO kepada calon ketiga.

"Kalau kita tengok, lampu KLCC dihidupkan dengan pantas walaupun bangunan tu tinggi. Jadi saya rasa MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU adalah paling pantas" jawab calon ketiga.

"Jawapan yang terhebat setakat ni. Bagaimana pula dengan kamu ? "CEO terus mengusulkan soalan kepada calon keempat dengan merasakan calon ketiga hampir pasti menjadi eksekutif baru di syarikatnya dengan jawapan yang sangat bagus sebentar tadi.

" Setelah diteliti jawapan calon-calon sebelum saya ni tadi, saya rasa perkara yang paling pantas sekali adalah CIRIT-BIRIT " jawab calon keempat dengan yakin sekali.

" Haaa...???? CIRIT-BIRIT ???? Kamu ni tak serius langsung, macamana kamu boleh mintak kerja dengan syarikat saya ni ? " CEO terkejut dengan jawapan calon keempat tadi.

"Begini tuan, malam kelmarin saya terjaga di tengah malam dengan rasa sakit perut yang amat sangat. Belum sempat saya FIKIR , KELIP MATA atau MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU, benda tu dah terkeluar dah......."

Calon keempat diterima menjadi eksekutif baru syarikat berkenaan...

Tan Ah Beng

2010-06-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"

Salesgirl : "Yes !"

Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

--------? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question. After much thought, he writes " Yes "

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss: "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do ?"

Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his
picture is being taken.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?

Because he can'! t find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command.

After some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key ! for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But ..... what happened to the other ear ?"

Ah Beng answered :

"That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

-------?! ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND
LAS VEGAS ?"

Operator ! : "JUST A MINUTE..."

Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S
TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL."

Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,
JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" Ah Beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, ! MARRIED lah"

Please tell me "WHY"

2010-05-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12.. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Investigating A Homicide

2010-05-18T02:47:00.000-07:00

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the CSI officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.

The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The CSI officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

Political Corruption Trial

2010-05-18T02:46:00.001-07:00

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Kisah Si Isteri Empat

2010-05-18T02:39:00.001-07:00

"Pada zaman dahulu kala, terdapatlah seorang kaya yang beristeri empat. Dia ini kira ikut benarlah sunat Rasulullah sebab musabab beristeri ni.

Isteri pertamanya sudah tua, rupa pun dah kurang cantik, maklumlah, kedut sana kedut sini, gelembir sana gelembir sini, kecut sana kecut sini, kata orang sekarang dah tak ngam dah. Jadi isteri ini kurang diberi perhatian kerana sudah tua. Isteri ini juga jarang diberikan nafkah baik zahir atau pun batin. Pendek kata dia tidak bertanggungjawab sepenuhnya kepada isteri pertama ini.

Isteri kedua pun lebih kurang sama saja dengan isteri pertama. Pun kurang cantik dan kurang mengancam. Maka selalulah isteri kedua ini diabaikan. Lebih kurang sama saja nasibnya dengan isteri pertama.

Isteri ketiga masih mengancam, pinggang masih ramping, kulit masih tegang, dan isteri ini selalulah dikunjungi oleh si suami tadi. Maka manjalah isteri ketiga ini bukan main, maklumlah, kata orang "bermanja pada yang sayang". Maka banyaklah duit si kaya tadi dihabiskan untuk isteri ketiga ini.

Isteri keempat baru belasan tahun. Cantiknya usah di kiralah. Badannya amat gebu sekali. Tiada kedut sana kedut sini, tiada gandut sana gendut sini. Lenggangnya pun amat mengancam. Pendekata sisuami cukup risau kalau isteri keempat ini berjalan berseorangan. Maka amat sayanglah dia kepada isteri keempat ini dan sering dibawa kemana saja dia pergi. Maklumlah, takut orang lain kebas. Maka kebanyakan masa dan duitnya habis untuk isteri pertama saja…

Maka pada suatu hari , si suami jatuh sakit dan doktor kata umurnya dah tak panjang. Cuma tinggal beberapa bulan saja lagi sebelum dia menemui Allah. Maka risaulah si suami ini akan perihal isteri-isterinya yang akan ditinggalkan, terutama isteri ketiga dan keempat. Masih belum puas rasanya dia hidup bersama isteri ketiga dan keempat itu.

Lalu dia pun memanggil isteri-isterinya seorang demi seorang untuk bertanyakan soalan yang sama saja iaitu " Jika aku mati, mahukah kamu ikut bersama-samaku ke dalam kubor? "

Jawab isteri keempat. "Saya masih cantik bang, ramai pemuda yang masih inginkan saya. Saya kawin dengan abang pun kerana abang banyak harta. Kalau abang mati, dengan cepat saya boleh kawin lain. Takkan saya nak ikut abang ke kubor? Abang tinggallah dalam kubor tu sendirian manakala saya akan menikmati kehidupan ini bersama suami baru yang lebih muda". Hampa rasanya si suami mendengarkan kata-kata isteri keempatnya itu.

Berkata pula isteri ketiga. "Saya pun masih cantik abang. Kalau abang mati saja, saya rasa saya akan bertemu jodoh dengan orang lain. Mungkin saya agak tua untuk dapatkan anak teruna, tetapi kalau nak dapatkan duda rasanya tak ada masalah. Jadi, tak mungkin saya akan ikut abang ke kubor kerana saya masih muda dan boleh menikmati hidup ini dengan suami baru. Abang tinggallah dalam kubor itu sendirian. Selamat tinggal abang". Dah dua kali hampanya hati sisuami tadi.

Jawab pula isteri ketiga. "Saya ini dah agak tua abang. Takkan ada orang yang mahukan saya lagi, tapi saya tak rela ikut abang ke dalam kubor kerana harta yang abang tinggalkan banyak lagi. Belum puas rasanya saya hidup dan lepas abang meninggal bolehlah saya hidup senang dengan harta peninggalan abang. Saya tak akan ikut abang masuk ke kubor, tetapi sekali sekala saya akan datang dan menziarahi kubor abang dan menghadiahkan fatihah dan yasin untuk abang." Lega sedikit hati si suami yang tenat tadi.

Isteri pertama dengan menangis teresak-esak menjawab. "Jika di takdirkan Allah, saya mati bersama-sama abang, saya rela mengikut abang bersama-sama ke dalam kubor. Saya telah hidup dengan abang begitu lama dan saya cukup bahagia walaupun abang mengabaikan saya. Abanglah satu-satunya suami untuk saya di dunia dan di akhirat. Saya redha mati bersama-sama abang jika ditakdirkan. Saya pun dah cukup bahagia hidup bersama abang dan rasanya saya tidak kerugian apa-apa jika mengikut abang ke dalam kubor". Sejuk sungguh rasa hati si suami mendengarkan kata-kata isteri pertama tadi. Barulah dia tahu isteri mana yang paling baik dan yang mana pula paling tak berguna. Dia menyesal kerana memberikan kasih sayang kepada isteri yang tak sepatutnya dibelai.

Itu Cuma adalah kiasan sahaja. Isteri keempat adalah umpama harta benda kita. Kita amat sayang akan harta kita, malah kita bekerja bermati-matian mencari harta. Kita sanggup mati hatta mengumpul harta benda. Harta bendalah yang paling kita sayang tetapi ingatlah harta itu tidak mengikut kita ke dalam kubor. Sebaliknya bila kita mati, harta itu menjadi kepunyaan orang lain pula. Rugilah manusia yang mengabdikan diri kepada harta.

Isteri kedua umpama pangkat dan darjat. Ramai juga yang bekerja begitu kuat untuk mendapatkan pangkat dan gelaran. Ada bergelar Tun, Tan Sri, Datuk dan sebagainya dengan pembagai bintang disematkan dibaju. Tapi sayang apabila mati, pangkat dan bintang itu akan ditinggalkan. Pangkat dan bintang itu tidak dapat memberikan satu pun menfaat untuk kita di dalam kubor. Jadi bekerjalah dengan ikhlas tanpa memikirkan tentang pangkat dan gelaran yang tak kemana. Rugilah lagi manusia yang bermati-matian untuk pangkat.

Isteri ketiga umpama sanak saudara. Kita juga menyayangi mereka tetapi ingat, mereka juga akan kita tinggalkan sebaik sahaja jasad kita ditimbus di dalam kubor. Mereka bolehlah sekali sekala datang melawat kubor kita dan mensedekahkan fatihah dan yasin untuk kita. Mereka juga bolehlah berdoa untuk kita di alam kubor, tetapi mereka tetap kita tinggalkan.

Isteri pertama ialah amalan kita yang akan kita bawa kemana saja kita pergi hatta sampai kealam akhirat. Amalan kitalah yang akan membela kita di depan Allah. Amalan kitalah yang akan memberatkan timbangan dan memungkinkan kita dirahmati Allah. Tetapi berapa ramai di antara kita yang bermati-matian untuk beramal? Berapa ramai di antara kita yang sangup berjaga malam berqiamulail untu mengabdikan diri kepada Allah? Berapa ramai pula yang tak bakhil untuk menginfakkan harta kita di jalan Allah? Jawabnya tentu tak ramai. Tapi ingatlah, amalan kita yang kita kurang ambil perhatian itulah yang akan mengikut kita ke dalam kubor.

Jadi ambillah iktibar. Kurangkan mengejar harta dan pangkat, tetapi kejarlah dan berlumba-lumbalah untuk beribadat kepada Allah. Sesungguhnya dengki yang paling baik ialah dengkikan orang yang kuat beribadat dan ini mendorong kita untuk berlumba-lumba dengannya untuk menambahkan amalan kita.

Unquotable Quotes

2010-05-18T02:34:00.001-07:00

1. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2. To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3. The road to success... is always under construction.

4. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

5. Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Quick Laugh

2010-05-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

No 1

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

No 2

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

No 3

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

No 4

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

No 5

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

No 6

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

No 7

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

No 8

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

No 9

Teacher: Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

No 10

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

No 11

Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'

No 12

A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'

No 13

Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'

No 14

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

Buang Kerja

2010-03-16T02:51:00.001-07:00

Sam: Aku baru je kena buang kerja!

Dol: Apa pasal?

Sam: Supervisor aku punya pasal la.

Dol: Kenapa?

Sam: Engkau tau la supervisor macam mana. Tercegat je. Cekak pinggang, tengok orang buat kerja.

Dol: Memang la, tapi kenapa dia pecat engkau pulak.

Sam: Dia bengang kat aku.... sebab semua orang ingat aku supervisor.

Surat Berhenti Kerja

2010-03-10T02:45:00.001-08:00

JULIANA BONUS BT CHE ROSS
NO 834,LORONG BAHGIA
TAMAN SEJAHTERA
06600
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =
MUHAMAD YUSOP
PLOT 131A,
JALAN PERINDUSTRIAN BUKIT MINYAK,
14100 BUKIT MINYAK,
SEBERANG PERAI TENGAH,
PENANG . 19 DEC 2005

TUAN,

PER : SURAT BERHENTI KERJA

Saya seperti nama diatas, ingin memohon berhenti kerja. Saya berharap permohonan ini diluluskan. Berikut adalah sebab- musabab saya ingin berhenti kerja:-

1. Saya kerap dibuli oleh senior.

2. Makanan di kantin tak sedap tapi mahal macam KFC. Tambahan pula kalau makcik senior yg kira.

3. Lagu 5'S tidak masuk dalam carta ERA.

4. Waktu rehat tersangat pendek 15 minit je... Nak beratur pun dah 20 minit!!!

5. KERJA BERDIRIIIIIIIIIII. .. ... ... . Kasut takde sponge pulak!!!!!

6. Bas kilang tersangat laju... . Tersangat BAHAYA... ..

7. Kalau setakat nak keja kilang, lebih baik tak payah ambil SPM. Indon tak ambil SPM pun boleh keja jugak!!!

8. Pekerja dipaksa O.T. Ingat kita orang ROBOT ke!!! Kalau tak O.T. ugut nak bagi Warning Letter pulakk... ..

9. Pintu kecemasan dihalang. Bila BOMBA audit baru kalut. KESELAMATAN TIDAK DIUTAMAKAN.

10. Scan in/out sikit nak masuk kena beratok sampai GATE HOUSE nak balik kena beratok BULEH TAWAF satu kilang..

11. Pintu keluar masuk 2 shj. Pekerja beribu... . Masuk LATE marah!!! Balik LATE driver BAS pulak marah!!!! sampai rumah mak bapak pulak yang marah KAMI selalu kena MARAHHHHHH.. .

12. Boss kadang 2 ok, kadang 2 tension sampai tak ingat 2 yang kami ni orang gak

13. Faedah2 lain tak memuaskan. contoh keja bagai nak tecabut kepala lutut profet shereing HAMPEHHH

14. BANYAK LAGI NAK HABAQ TAPI KUT TAK SANGUP DENGAQ KUT!!!!

15. Bonus Tahun Ni Takde Macam Hampeh...Orang Gaji Besar je yang dapat,Orang bawahan semua tak dapat...Kalau mcm ni biar boss besar mati cepat!!!! ..baru ada keadilan.... .. Aminnnn

Untuk pengetahuan tuan, saya telah berjaya menabung sebanyak RM 1.5 juta selama saya bekerja sebagai operator. Wang itu telah saya laburkan dalam bentuk dinar emas. Setiap bulan, pendapatan saya adalah sebanyak RM890. Inilah faktor utama saya ingin berhenti kerja. Terima kasih atas segala kerjasama ... ... ... ... tunjuk ajar tuan selama ini dengan saya.

**Akhir kata, terimalah sebuah pantun MAUTdari saya... ... ..
IKAN KELI, IKAN KEMBUNG; ANGKAT KAKI, LLLAAAMMMBUNG. .. ... ... ... ...

What A True Malaysian Should Know

2010-03-10T01:30:00.000-08:00

NATIONAL INSTANT FOOD :
Maggi Mee

NATIONAL BREAKFAST :
Nasi Lemak

NATIONAL LUNCH
Nasi Ayam

NATIONAL SUPPER
Roti Canai & Teh Tarik

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE
Traffic Jam

NATIONAL CONDOM
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms.
So they rushed into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack,
any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an
eye.

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION :
Pineapple

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK :
Stout. Many Malaysian men swear by it. But then after a few
pints they start swearing at everything.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN) :
Food Poisoning

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN) :
Menstrual Pain

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep,mother-i n-law
around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond
not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet,
forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period,
haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply,
going to watch 'Santa Barbara', depress, no mood, etc...

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :
None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHOEA
Cap Kaki Tiga. Down one bottle with warm water and you are
all 'dried up'.

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES :
Panadol. The 'cure for all'. If it fails we have another
secret weapon - Tiger Balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR NAUSEA
Moh Fah Kor.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES)
Happy Hours.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES) :
The sight of a police road block.

NATIONAL RICE COOKER
NATIONAL Rice Cooker

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP :
Anywhere As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME
Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!

NATIONAL ANSWER FOR 'WHERE ARE YOU' ?
- on the way.

NATIONAL OFFICIAL TIME FOR BEING LATE :
- 10 minutes

NATIONAL REASON FOR PRICE INCREASE
Petrol naik lagi kawan... semua barang pun kena naik ler...
inclusive chicken meat?

NATIONAL REASON FOR PETROL INCREASE :
Still cheaper than other country la...

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR CAUSING TRAFFIC JAM
there was accident on the other side of the road.. of course
must slow down and tengok-tengok, kaypoh-kaypoh lah!

NATIONAL REASON WHEN REJECTING INVITATION
'I got some work to do la..u all go first la..'

NATIONAL REASON FOR COLLAPSED BUILDINGS & LEAKY PARLIAMENT
ROOFS : An act of God. Definitely nothing to with greased
palms and poor quality control. Nope, none whatsoever.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR IRRESPONSIBLE POLITICAL STATEMENTS :
None. We were misquote d.

NATIONAL MINISTERIAL REASON FOR INCREASING TOLL RATES :
Orang cakap mau naik mesti mau naik lah! Lu ingat ini jalan
saya punya bapak punya kah?!

NATIONAL REASON FOR HAVING BIG ONION DOMES ON TAXPAYER
FUNDED PUBLIC BUILDINGS : Dunno. It's not as if we're
anywhere near the middle east.

NATIONAL REASON FOR SPURNING BAILOUT PACKAGES FROM FOREIGN
CAR COMPANIES : We're about to unveil another badly designed
low budget car, which, coupled with our notorious customer
service and corporate mismanagement, will see us bankrupt
again within the next 5 years. And so we have absolutely no
need for the Germans and their silly car-making and
market-positioning knowhow, thank you very much.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR JUMPING QUEUE (TRAFFIC JAM OR WHAT EVER
QUEUE) : Everybody doing what lah.......

NATIONAL EXCUSE NOT PAYING SAMAN ACCORDING TO DUE DATE :
Relax ler... government will give discount one of these days

NATIONAL EXCUSE TO BRIBE (ANY CONDITION) :
Give them minum kopi lar...

Teka Teki Lawak

2010-02-10T20:21:00.001-08:00

Soalan :

1) Jilat-jilat bila dah basah baru cucuk

2) Banyak-banyak bas, bas apa yang pandai

3) Banyak-banyak mi, mi apa yang boleh makan ngan ais

4) Kenapa anjing kencing angkat sebelah kaki

5) Apa perbezaan lampu stadium ngan lampu bilik

6) Apa binatang, badan kecik macam semut tapi mata besar "bulb" mentol

7) Mana lagi tua, motorsikal ke kereta?

8) Kangkang peluk, kangkag peluk, bila dah dekat climax pegang buah

9) Ahmad bin Abu, kambing bin apa?

10) Bagaimana nak bezakan ikan betina ngan ikan jantan?

IKLAN DULU :

Jawapan :

1) Masukkan benang dalam jarum

2) Bas sekolah lah, the only bas pegi sekolah

3) MILO AIS

4) Sebab kalau dia angkat dua kaki, dia jatuh sebab tulah dia angkat

sebelah aje.

5) Lampu stadium kalau ada 'game' dia pasang, tapi kalau lampu bilik ada 'game' dia padam

6) Semut yang matanya BENGKAK

7) Motorsikal......sebab dia pakai tongkat

8) Panjat pokok kelapa

9) Kambing binATANG

10) Ikan betina - ikan duyung, ikan jantan - ikan bakar, mana ada pompuan nama BAKAR

Telur Separuh Masak

2010-02-10T20:17:00.001-08:00

Aziz dan Ani membawa anak lelaki mereka yang berusia 6 tahun ke klinik. Walaupun pada mulanya agak malu dan segan, akhirnya mereka membuka mulut juga menceritakan kebimbangan mereka tentang kemaluan anak mereka yang agak kecil berbanding kanak-kanak lain yang sebayanya.

Selepas melakukan pemeriksaan, doktor berkata,

"beri makan telur separuh masak setiap pagi. Lama-lama besarlah tu."

Besok pagi, apabila anak lelaki mereka hendak bersarapan, terkejutlah dia melihat ada 10 biji telur di meja makan.

"Telur ni untuk saya ke mak?", tanya si anak.

"Engkau makan dua biji saja. Yang lain tu untuk ayah
kau punye", kata emaknya.

Interview

2010-02-10T20:16:00.001-08:00

Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri.

Pemuda : Baguslah ternakan biri-biri pakcik. Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik : Boleh aje...
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?"
Pemuda : Yang putih.
Pakcik : Kalau yang putih berjalan lebih kurang enam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Ah, yang putih makan lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik : Aaa....yang putih menghasilkan sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yg putih dgn yg hitam, padahal jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punye.
Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punye?
Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama.....

Cerita Pengantin Baru

2010-02-10T20:15:00.001-08:00

Seorang lelaki bernama Baskon yang baru saja menjalani malam pertama bersama isterinya, menceritakan tentang kemuskilannya kepada seorang kawan, Abon.

"Wah, gila juga! Ternyata memang benar," ujar Baskon. "Kebiasaan yang sering kita lakukan ketika masih bujang, boleh berulang pada malam pengantin."

"Sebenarnya apa yang berlaku semalam?" si Abon ingin tahu.

"Begini. Kau kan tau kalau sewaktu bujang aku suka melanggan perempuan."

"Ho oh."

"Nah, terus malam pengantin semalam, setelah selesai melakukan hubungan, tanpa sengaja aku memberikan wang RM 100 pada isteri aku."

"Wah, gila kau!" Abon terperanjat. "Bagaimana? Isteri kau marah?"

"Itulah masalahnya," Baskon menjawap. "Dia malah memberikan pulangan wang RM 25 kat aku!"

18SX

2010-02-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Salmah seorang janda yang mempunyai anak perempuan tunggal bersusia 6 tahun. Sejak kematian suaminya, kehidupanya tidak terurus, makan minum pakai tidak menentu sehingga anak perempuannya tidak berbaju adakalanya.

Sedang seronok anaknya bermain pasir dengan berbogel tak pakai apa-apa , kebetulan lalu Usop seorang duda kaya di kampung itu. Dia terkejut melihat anak Salmah..

Usop : Oi budak mana baju?? ei.. tak malu… Mak mana? Nah2.. RM 20. Suruhh mak beli baju tau!!

Anak Salmah pulang dan menceritakan segalanya sambil menghulur wang RM 20. Salmah sungguh terkejut dan seronok..( ye la, tak pasal2 dapat RM 20)..

Salmah : Hmmmm kalau aku tak pakai apa apa, mesti dapat RM200..hehe.. sukanya..

Lalu Salmah menunggu Usop . Dia tidak mengenakan seurat benang ditubuhnya dengan harapan Usop akan memberinya wang yg banyak.

5 minit kemudian, Usop pun lalu..

Usop : Fuiyo magik !! Mana baju kamu? Nampak #%$% kamu tu.. Ugh tak sanggup aku tengok macam tu..

Usop pun menyeluk poketnya. Geram melihat Salmah yang tak berbaju itu.

Usop : Nah ! RM 0.20..

Salmah : Eh 20 sen je??

Usop : Cukuplah buat beli pisau cukur !!

How to Make A Woman Happy

2010-02-10T20:06:00.001-08:00

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

About Jesus

2010-02-10T20:04:00.001-08:00

Ini adalah kisah benar...ayah aku cerita kat aku dulu...

Ok..masa zaman 1950-an hingga 1960-an..kebanyakkan pegawai kerajaan terdiri daripada orang inggeris...termasuklah pegawai polis...yang pangkat rendah2 ni just orang melayu yang english tak berapa nak betul...setakat boleh yes & not macam tu aje la...

nak di jadikan cerita...ada 1 pegawai polis ni...Inspector White nak test polis2 kat balai dia...so dia panggil sarjan...dia cakap kat sarjan "I'm going out for the whole day..you have to look for the police station for me" then Inspector White pon keluar...tak sampai 5 minit sarjan panggil koperal dan cakap "aku nak keluar...kau tengok2 kan balai" selepas sarajan keluar...koperal panggil lans koperal dan cakap benda yang sama...so tinggal la lans koperal sorang2 aje yang jaga balai...ta sampai 30 minit...Inspektor White pun balik ke balai untuk tengoksiapa yang ada...dia tengok hanya ada lans koperal...
dia pun panggil lan koperal da tanya

Ins. White: Where is the sergeant?

Lan Koperal: Not in

Ins. White: Where is the corporal?

Lans Koperal: Not in

Ins. White: Jesus christ! (marah)

Lans koperal: Not in!!

Upgrading

2010-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

----------------------------------------------------

Reply:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Getting Married

2008-11-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love,dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him,

''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son...

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

2008-11-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

'I would have been released today.'

Who Chopped that Cherry Tree?

2008-09-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped down a cherry tree in his youth. His father saw the damaged tree and asked his son if he knew who did it. George was quoted bravely admitting the truth:
'I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I cut it with my axe.'

Below is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the same question:

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi - 'I did not chop down that cherry tree; I was just taking a nap under it.'
Najib Razak - 'I swear that I have never MET that tree.'
Hishamuddin Hussein Onn- '...but I only own a keris ,not an axe; so how to chop down that cherry tree?'
Dr Mahathir Mohamd - 'Apa nama cherry tree, yes, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak Lah sleeping under it.'

VK Lingam - 'It could be me, it may be me but I don't think it's me.'
Anwar Ibrahim - 'I did NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA sample for you to plant on the axe handle.'
Mohd Khir Toyo - 'The new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.'

Ahmad Said (Terengganu MB) - 'I chopped it down because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.'
Azalina Othman - 'Cherry tree is not included in my tourism MOU so I chopped it down. Besides, there are so many unauthorised signboards being put up by Ah Long around that damn tree.'
Shabery Cheek - 'Not me. I challenge you to an open debate on tree cutting.'

S Samy Velu - 'I chopped it down because Hindraf members were using it as a meeting point.
Wira Ali Rustam - 'We have planted durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years. We do not need cheery trees, apple trees , pear trees and all these other foreign trees.'
Rais Yatim - 'You must see the bigger picture, Ahmad Said said cherry trees are expensive to maintain; Ali Rustam said that's against our national identity and, I needed to test my new axe; so you see, it is a WIN-WIN situation all around.'
Sharir Samad - 'I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidise it.'

Karpal Singh - 'The bigfoot creature did it.'
Bung Mokhtar - 'The big monkey did it.'
Pandikar Amin Mulia (Speaker) - 'There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry trees. Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.

Khairy Jamaluddin - 'I did not do it, neither did the Mat Rempits. By the way, what's a cherry tree?'
Lim Kit Siang - 'Cherry tree also you don't know; you are an insult to Oxford!'

Nazri Abdul Aziz - 'Racist, racist, racist! When we cut down durian trees nobody made a fuss. Now...'

Malaysian Citizens - 'Oh for heaven's sake! Somebody please plant something before we all starve to death!'

Petua Mujarab

2008-08-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

1. Petua Cepat DiPinang - Banyakkan Meminum Air Pinang
2. Menegangkan Kulit Muka - Stapler Tempat Yg Kendur Tu...
3. Menghilangkan Bau Badan - Berendam Dalam Minyak Wangi
4. Melembutkan Rambut - Rendam Kepala Dalam Air Menggelegak. ..
5. Melebatkan Rambut - Cari Baja Rambut...
6. Menghilangkan Ketuat - Potong Dgn Pisau Cukur Cap Buaya... .
7. Mengempiskan Perut - Jgn Makan & Jgn Minum...
8. Mengekalkan Kecantikan - Kekalkan Mekap, Jgn Basuh2...
9. Menyegarkan Mata - Tuang Eye Mo. ..
10. Mengelak Rambut Gugur - Lumur Dengan Gam Gajah...
11. Mengatasi Tumit Pecah - Jalan Berjengket-Jengket
13. Menghaluskan Kulit Muka - Gosok Dgn Kertas Pasir
14. Menaikkan Seri Muka - Makan Kuih Seri Muka Sambil Naik Tangga..
15. Menghilangkan Bau Mulut - Minum Minyak Wangi
16. Menghilangkan Lebam Di Mata - Elakkan Dari Kena Penumbok..

I 'd Rather Die of Thirst !

2008-07-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

Reasons why I never visit my rich friend! Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : What would you like to have...? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?
Answer : Tea please
Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer : Ceylon tea
Question : How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer : white
Question : Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer : With milk
Question : Goat's milk, or cow's milk
Answer : With cow's milk please.
Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer : Um, I'll just take it black.
Question : Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer : With sugar
Question : Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer : Cane sugar
Question : White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer : Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.
Question : Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer : Mineral water
Question : Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer : I think I'll just die of thirst

Cerita Ceriti

2008-07-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

GAJAH DALAM CAWAN

Satu hari, seorang lelaki sedang asyik minum di sebuah restoran mamak di jalan UK Perdana Ampang. Tiba2 lelaki tu terkejut lalu memanggil mamak. Mamak dengan pantas tiba di meja lelaki.
"Hei... mamak mengapa dalam kopi aku ni ada lalat?"
Mamak terkebil-kebil lalu menjawab..
"Awak bayar harga secawan kopi satu ringgit lima puluh sen saja, takkan awak mahu gajah pulak dalam cawan awak!".
Lelaki tu garu kepala... serba salah..

SEKRETARI BARU

Seorang boss sangat frust dan marah pada sekretari barunya kerana sekretarinya itu mengabaikan bunyi telefon.
"Kamu harus menjawab telepon itu," kata si boss dengan marahnya.
"Baiklah," jawab si sekretari, "tapi itu pekerjaan yang sia-sia, 9 dari 10 telepon yang masuk bukan untuk saya, tetapi untuk boss."

PROFESSOR SIBUK

Profesor Bakri adalah seorang profesor yang terkenal dengan kepintarannya. Dia terlalu tekun dengan ujikaji yang dilakukannya sehinggakan terlupa untuk makan minum malah sudah dua hari tidak pulang ke rumah. Lalu isterinya menelefon.
"Abang, ingat ya, malam ini abang mesti pulang ke rumah untuk makan malam. Jaga kesihatan," pesan isterinya.
"Ya, baik. Abang janji. Agaknya di mana kita hendak makan malam nanti?" tanya professor itu.
"Di rumah sajalah bang..".
"Baik lah.. tapi dimana tu? Saya catat alamatnya dulu... "

PINGGAN DARI KELANTAN

Ada sorang kawan ni, namanya Amat. Dia baru kenal sorang member kat tempat kerja baru. Nama kawannya Apit. Si Apit ajak Amat makan kat rumah dia sebab Apit kata dia pandai masak. Di pendekkan cerita, dah siap masak, Apit pun pelawa Amat makan. Amat ni sebenarnya dah terlampau lapar tapi saja taknak bagi Apit tau. Masa makan tu si Amat ni nak mintak tambah nasi lagi tapi macam malu pulak. Iyalah sebelum tu pun dia dah mintak tambah 2 kali. So dia pun cakap kat Apit ni :
Amat : Apit, cantiklah pinggan ni.. mana ko beli ye?
(sambil menunjukkan pinggannya yangg dah kosong)
Apit : oooo..(tanda paham)..tu mak aku belikan kat kelantan sama dengan periuk ni...
(sambil menunjukkan periuk yg kosong gak sbb nasik dh abih..)
Amat : oooo...

Cerita Ceriti

2008-07-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

Satu Kaki

Minah berkahwin dengan Mamat yang kudung sebelah kaki akibat kemalangan jalanraya. Tapi Minah tak tahu yang Mamat ni kudung sebab kaki palsunya nampak real. Ni adalah insiden di malam pertama perkahwinan mereka apabila si Mamat mula nak close-up si Minah tiba-tiba si Minah menjerit sekuat hati,"Maaak! satuuuu kaki!".

Sekonyong-konyong mak dia kat bilik sebelah jawab dengan selambanya, "Untungle ko Minah, BAPAK ko 6 inci jer"...

Salah Kira

Sani murid tahun 2 yang agak lembab dan suka menyediri. Cikgu yang palig dia takut ialah Cikgu Kumar, guru maths sekolahnya. Dengar suara Sir Kumar menengking rasa nak terkencing. Suatu hari Sir Kumar memulakan kelas dengan menguji kecekapan mencongak. Semua murid berdiri dan kalau tak dapat jawab, berdiri atas kerusi. Semua murid mesti jawab spontan.. tak boleh kira.

Bila tiba giliran Sani, Sir Kumar menengking, "5 + 5 berapa ? Cepat!!!!!"

Sani cuba mengira secara sorok. Dia masukkan kedua-dua tangannya dalam kocek seluar. Bergerak-gerak seluarnya kerana menghitung, rasa nak terkencing pun ada sebab takut.
Sir Kumar senyum melihat telatah Sani. "Cepat Sani.. 5 + 5 berapa ?"

"11 cikgu... !!"
Sir Kumar tersengih sambil keluar kelas.

B4 & After Marriage

Before marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the tOP...

Bayaran Ansuran

Ada sepasang kekasih, BoyFriend & GirlFriend, sayang menyayangi sesama mereka.

Satu hari si GF ni eksiden lalu dihantar ke hospital. GF ni kehilangan banyak darah. Disebabkan terlalu mencintai dan takut kehilangan orang yang disayangi, si BF sanggup menderma darah kepada GF dan GF ni pun dapat diselamatkan.

Pada suatu hari, si BF ni keluar beli barang kat shopping kompleks, sorang2 tanpa GFnya.

Ketika sedang melihat2 barang, si BF ternampak GFnya sedang berjalan berpimpin tangan dengan lelaki lain. Wahh ! Apa lagi dengan bengang si BF ni terus mengherdik GF dia :

"DASAR TAK KENANG BUDI !! MASA KAU SUSAH AKU TOLONG KAU, MASA KAU EKSIDEN DULU AKU BAGI DARAH AKU KAT KAU DEMI NAK SELAMATKAN KAU ! BEGINI KAU LAYAN AKU!!"

Lepas tu, si GF ni pun naik bengang sebab tiba-tiba kena herdik di tempat awam. Dengan selamba dia kata :

"KAU BERKIRA DENGAN AKU EK! NAH ! AKU BAYAR ANSURAN TIAP2 BULAN !!" Sambil membuang pad (yang dah ade jem tau !) kearah EX-BFnya tu !!

Isteri Kerek

Pada suatu hari, hendak terjadi hal, si suami terlupa akan birthday isterinya. Si isteri terkilan dan esoknya isteri tak gosok baju suaminya, tak sediakan sarapan dan tak salam suami dia. Suaminya rasa terkilan.

Lebih kurang seminggu diorang bergaduh. Lalu si suami tu pun ambil pendekatan bengong, dia tak cakap dengan isterinya dah, tapi berkomunikasi secara tulis nota je. Dia tulis atas kertas, dia bagi isteri dia baca.

Satu malam tu, suami tu tulis nota kat isteri dia, 'YANG, TOLONG KEJUT ABANGG KUL 6.30 PAGI YER, ADA MESYUARAT TERGEMPAR ESOK'. Isteri dia mengangguk.

Kringg!!! Kringg!! Kring!! Alarm berbunyi. Suami tu pun bangun, dia tengok jam, dah pukul 9.00 pagi. Dengan tension, dia tengok ke sebelah, isteri dia tak ada , tapi ada kertas atas katil, dia ambil lalu membacanya : 'BANG, BANGUNLAH BANG, DAH 6.30 PAGI NI, NANTI LEWAT. BANG, BANGUNLAAAA'

Suami pun bermonolog dalaman pada dirinya 'Hampeh !!'

Masih Lagi Sayang

Kamal diundang kawannya makan malam. Mizal si tuan rumah, memanggil isterinya dengan kata-kata Sayang... Manis... Cintaku... Sayangku... Kasihku... dan seumpamanya.

Kamal memandang Mizal dan berkata,"Romantis sekali, setelah berpuluh tahun menikah, kau tetap memanggil isterimu dgn kata-kata itu."

Mizal mengangkat bahu dan berbisik,"Sebenarnya, aku lupa namanya sejak tiga tahun lalu."

Malam Pertama Malam Terindah

Sang suami yang baru menikah merasa hairan melihat tingkah laku isterinya, yang pada malam pertama membuka jendela dan menatap ke langit melihat bintang-bintang.

Dengan jengkel suaminya berkata...
"Ada apa gerangan kau menatap langit di malam pertama kita ini?" Jawab sang istri,
"Menurut ibu saya, malam ini akan menjadi malam terindah selama hidup saya. Jadi saya tak akan melewatkan sedetik pun keindahan malam ini, aku akan menatapnya sampai pagi."

Cerita Sedih

2008-07-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

*Ditulis semula penulis seperti yang diceritakan oleh En. Mohd Azman, student Malaysia kat Jepun

Assalamualaikum. Nama saya Mohd Azman (bukan nama sebenar) dan saya sekarang sedang menuntut di salah sebuah universiti di negara matahari terbit,Jepun. Saya ingin berkongsi pengalaman saya dengan pembaca budiman sekalian dan diharap kisah ini dapat dijadikan iktibar pada masa hadapan.

Kisah ini berlaku di depan mata saya sendiri menyebabkan saya berasa insaf. Ada seorang budak Jepun bernama Tatsuo-kun(bukan nama sebenar)dan tinggal bersama-sama emaknya Maciko-san (juga bukan nama sebenar) di daerah Yamanashi. Dua beranak ini hanya tinggal berdua sahaja kerana bapa Tatsuo-kun telah meninggal dalam satu kemalangan jalanraya. Disebabkan keluarga ini hanya tinggal berdua saja maka hubungan di antara Tatsuo-kun dan ibunya Maciko-san amatlah rapat sekali. Apa yang dihajati Tatsuo-kun akan cuba dipenuhi oleh ibunya dan Tatsuo-kun pula membesar menjadi remaja yang bijak lalu membolehkan dia mendapat biasiswa dan memasuki Meiji University.

Ketika ini perangai Tatsuo-kun mula berubah dan selalu tidak menelefon atau pulang ke rumah ketika cuti meninggalkan emaknya kesunyian di rumah. Hendak dipendekkan cerita, Maciko- san telah mengambil keputusan untuk datang ke Tokyo untuk berjumpa dengan anak kesayangannya. Ketika itulah satu perkara yang menginsafkan saya berlaku.Ia terjadi DI DEPAN MATA saya sendiri. Tatsuo- kun baru saja keluar dari pintu universiti bersama rakan-rakannya ketika ibunya tiba dan memanggil namanya. Melihat keadaan ibunya yang berpakaian kampung membuatkan Tatsuo-kun berasa malu dengan rakan-rakannya yang rata-rata anak orang berada. Tatsuo- kun dengan muka yang berang mendekati emaknya dan berkata (telah di ubah maksudnya ke dalam bahasa melayu),"Makcik ni silap orang la..". Saya berasa sedih dan terkejut ketika itu melihat Maciko-san dilayan sebegitu tetapi masih mampu mengawal air mata. Maciko- san memegang tangan anaknya dan merayu supaya anaknya tidak bercakap begitu tetapi Tatsuo-kun yang didorong perasaan malunya telah menolak emaknya ke arah jalan raya dan dilanggar kereta. Tetapi Maciko San kembali bangun setelah mendapat kuasa dari keluarga ultraman taro dan menyentap tubuh Tatsuo-kun bertalu-talu diatas jalan tar sehingga berkecai tanpa mendapat pertolongan rasaksa gorko yang memang kejam.

Saya berasa sungguh sedih dan cuba untuk menolong tetapi apakan daya kerana ianya berlaku di dalam televisyen rumah saya cuma. Lantas saya mengambil remote controller dan menukar ke siaran yang lain.

Diharap para pembaca tidak berasa marah dan tertipu dengan kisah En.Mohd Azman tadi kerana penulis telah pun memukulnya sehingga muntah darah kerana membuat lawak dengan muka serius.

Jeruk Mangga

2008-07-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

Al-kisah tentang pelajar tahun enam di sebuah sekolah rendah yang menyambut hari guru. Masing - masing berebut - rebut nak memberi hadiah kepada cikgu kesayangan mereka, cikgu lina.

Apabila loceng tamat kelas dibunyikan, beraturlah murid tahum Enam Gigih untuk memberi hadiah kepada guru kesayangan mereka itu. Dari kad berukuran biasa hinggalah kepada kad yang sebesar gajah.

Tibalah giliran Leha, ketua kelas, dengan kotak yang bersaiz besar dan cantik, lain dari yang lain menghulurkan hadiah tersebut kepada Cikgu Lina.

Tapi sebelum itu, sambil tersenyum simpul si Leha meminta cikgunya meneka isi kandungan kotak itu.

Maka jenuhlah Cikgu Lina meneka. Bermula dengan kek sampailah kepada lampu tidur, semuanya disambut dengan gelengan kepala si Leha tanda salah.

Dengan tidak semena - mena, ada cecair yang meleleh dam menitis dari bucu kotak itu. Dengan lajunya, Cikgu Lina mencalit titisan cecair itu dengan jarinya lalu memasukkan kedalam mulutnya dan merasa.. "Hmmmm.....masam. ...ha.... cikgu tau dah...kamu hadiahkan ccikgu jeruk mangga ye. Mana kamu tahu favourite cikgu ni? Pandainya...

"Errrr....sebenarny a kan cikgu...saya hadiahkan cikgu ANAK KUCING," terang Leha sambil bersedia untuk segera beredar !